Are you there God? It's me Anxiety

I don't remember a time that I was not anxious. When I was a little girl any disaster we prepared for in school became the thing that kept me up at night. During fire safety week I made my family sit down and create our fire safety plan. And while they were all relaxing after dinner watching TV, I would sneak into the hallway, stand on a chair and push the smoke detector button. They would pretend that they did not hear me drag the chair into the hall and would say things like "Oh No!" "Where is the smoke coming from?" And my sister would say, "Do we really have to do this?"  I instantly became the family fire marshal and calmly yelled "Remember Our Safe Place!" which was the neighbor across the streets mailbox. Anytime I stayed the night at a friends house I would lay in my sleeping bag thinking about the closest emergency exit before drifting off to sleep.

This anxiety was not just held for potential disaster it was probably most apparent at school. When my sixth grade teacher told me that the Iowa State Basic Skills Tests would determine my academic future and the success of our school I. Believed. Every. Word. I would stay up all night fretting and crying that if I did not do well I would not go to college, I would let down my parents, my school, and even my country!

When I was in college I learned that this constant and irrational worry was called anxiety. After a little therapy I found that there were ways to make this feeling bearable. The thing is even with medication, therapy, and loving supportive friends and family; the tension, fear, and low grade nausea of anxiety is still there. Just less debilitating.

You would think someone who knows that they are anxious, that they are predestine to worry, would find a career that would be the least anxiety inducing as possible, Nope! I became a fundraiser, and though my job pretty much makes me have 24/7 low grade nausea it also is my number one source of pride and gives me more joy in the workplace than I could ever have dreamed. On hard days when I am looking for the proverbial "closest emergency exit" I know that my work matters to a community I love and that all of the work and worry are worth it.

So what does this have to do with going to Loser Camp? Well I will tell you. I have been experiencing low grade nausea for the past few days. I have been reading blogs, watching youtube videos, looking on google maps, and writing and rewriting my packing list over and over. I have this huge army of support that is behind me, old and new friends and my amazing family that are sending me notes, text messages, and calling me, and the support makes me feel amazing and lucky and blessed! I am surprised that I am not afraid to fail, I actually think I can do this. I want to do this, but still the small aching inside gnaws at my confidence and makes me think "Do I have the right socks?" "Will this bathing suit work for pool time?" "I hope there is someone there fatter than me." How awful is that?

So all I know to do to really curb this fear is to pray.

So tonight here is my prayer:
Heavenly Father free me from this fear.
Let my actions and my journey be an example of your love.
Please let me not worry about the small things so that I may focus on the big life changing things.
Please let me be kind and worry less about what I look like and take pride in how I feel.
Father please let the overwhelming love and kindness that my community is sending me fill my heart and dissipate my fears.
Father thank you for giving me the courage to want to be better and please stay close by me as I begin to learn how.

In Jesus name I pray, Amen