Back to Life, Back to Reality

I can remember the anticipation when I was in high school and school was about to start, the new clothes, the new goals, the hope of being one of the popular girls. It was a complete clean slate! And on the that first day I would wake up early, put on my best outfit, steal a little bit of my sisters perfume, and head into the lions den. Inevitably the day would end with some sort of spot on my new clothes, homework, and I would never be one the of popular girls, but I always had the loudest, craziest, and most fun lunch table. Before school started I would idealize my year and it would become my own version of an 80's teen movie, I would be Molly Ringwald of course. The reality was my days were pretty normal and though their was a fair share of high school drama, the day to day was just like the year before.

When I came home last week after three weeks of travel, I had the same first day of school nerves. I had spent three weeks investing in my future, setting goals, and exposing my fears and hopes to the world, well my world. I sat down on Monday to write and my head was flooded with stories to tell and people to thank. This quickly turned into me being paralyzed with worry that I would forget someone or something important. So I just stopped. I let myself ease into the normalcy of my life. I went grocery shopping, I went to work, and I spent some much needed quality time with Polly. And though I wanted everything to magically change when I got home, it was really hard!

I was thoughtful at the grocery store and read labels and tried hard to make "smart choices" I spent some time in the peanut butter aisle reading multiple bands labels. I learned at BLR that peanut butter is a avalanche food for me. That it's something once I start eating it's hard for me not to finish the entire jar. After reading labels I decided that purchasing a jar that was a healthier option was better than buying the individually packaged single servings. I thought that I could control my avalanche food and a jar of peanut butter couldn't keep me down. I was wrong! In three days I ate the whole jar! The difference is instead of feeling shameful for a prolonged amount of time, I told a friend and I made my shame public. She told me that she has been there, she did not judge, she wasn't disappointed in me, she just loved me and reminded me that I am not alone.

I made the choice to be public about my journey because I had to try something different. I had to let people in, in order to make inward and outward changes. By doing that I have felt very exposed, deeply supported, but very exposed. So I have decided that I will not let fear and worry paralyze me. I am going to keep going and sometimes I am going to fail but I am not going to stop trying, it's simply to important.

I went to the gym for the for the first time since I have been back yesterday and let me tell you I worked my tail off. As I increased the speed and incline on the treadmill I could hear the Woodsprite and all of the other BLR trainers in my ear telling me  "Push yourself!" "You can do more!" "You are an athlete!" When I went back today I felt pride as I sweated and pushed myself to lift more weight  and do another five minutes of cardio. I was using my body and if felt good.

I guess I am learning that life isn't a movie and sadly I am not Molly Ringwald. Things are going to change slowly and this journey is about me and my limits. I am going to write once a week and I can't promise it will be anything worth reading, but it's part of how I am healing, and learning, and I am so grateful to have a network of friends and supporters who are willing to listen and simply be there.