I went over to TJ and told her that the hikes make me feel bad emotionally and I really had a rough night and didn't want to go. She told me that today was the beach workout and that we would not be hiking just doing circuit training on the beach. She also told me that she suffered from anxiety and that this was a safe place. I decided to take the risk and go, but still had a whole bunch of anxiety. We loaded up the vans and we were off. The drive was beautiful today and when we got to the beach it was overcast and lovely. We did a walk on the beach in our shoes, in the sand, and it sucked. Then it was time for circuit training. I had a partner and we started with, I can't even remember what we started with I was in such a fog, then we moved to station two, then three, and then the tears. I don't know what happened but all of a sudden I lost it. I was having a full on freak out on the beach.
I turned around and just started crying. It was like something inside of me broke open and I just released all of this emotion. One of the sweet hiking guides came over to me and kindly of took me out of the line of workouts, sat me down and gave me some water. I thought that I might stop crying at this point. NOPE. I just sat there and sobbed. TJ called me over and asked if I was okay. I was breathing so hard I could barely talk. She had me slow down my breath and just started talking to me about a time she had an anxiety attack.
When my breath steadied and I felt under control again. TJ talked to me more and asked what I was doing last week, I said sitting at work or sitting on the couch. Then she turned me around and said look at this, you were doing this. In front of me there were 30 people pushing, pulling, running, and moving. She said you did that and that is F'ing Awesome. As I looked out on the beach I thought how I have seen groups of people doing boot camps in parks at home and I never thought I would have ever been able to do this! She said now say I am F'ing Awesome! I said it but didn't believe it. She said say it again. I stood there at the beach looking at athletes training and working their bodies and I said, I am Fucking Awesome! three times and I believed it.
TJ asked if I was able to get back to the workout and I told her that I needed some time to just be and asked if it was okay for me to walk alone on the beach, she said sure. So I put in my headphones and started to walk barefoot on the sand. I put in my ear buds and I could hear Ani Difranco singing "Buildings and Bridges" as I walked this is what I heard, "We are made to bleed and scab and heal and bleed again, and turn every scar into a joke...buildings and bridges are made to bend in the wind to withstand the world that's what it takes and all the this steel and stone is no match for the air my friend what doesn't bend breaks, what doesn't bend breaks." I just walked up and down the beach listening with the sand between my toes, "What doesn't bend breaks"
When we got back to the resort I did a stretch class and then lunch with the rowdy girls, lettuce wraps with turkey and quinoa. After lunch I had a class about setting goals for my return. I have decided to tackle two of them in the first three months. 1. Sleeping 8 hours a night. 2. Starting the journey of eating with intention. Then it was off to Total Toning which was a step class with a weighted bar. It was tough but I made it through the whole class and pushed myself. Then I had an appointment with the nutritionist, but first quickly ran to my room changed into my swimsuit and cover up so I could go to pool class after. The meeting with the nutritionist was great and I feel confident on my food plan when I return home.
Then swim with my purps, which was so fun, there were like 40 of us in the pool because it was so hot. We all worked hard but had a great time. Lots of laughing today and silliness in the pool. After swimming a couple of us got into the hot tub and talked a bit before going back to the room to shower. Then dinner beef with noodles and strawberry sorbet for dessert.
After dinner I sat on the porch and talked with some of the Rowdy girls and others as I waited for my chiropractor appointment. We all talked about our journeys, our families, our goals, I even invited myself to a trip they are taking to Hawaii in October. Slowly everyone went to their rooms and I stayed for my appointment. It was great and dreamy chiropractor worked on me as well as showed me a darling video of his baby boy. Then I walked under the beautiful full moon back to my room, and here I am.
Today was really long and emotionally it was very liberating. It was good to cry and good to be taken care of. It was also so good to hear so many stories and know that this is a journey that people are on with me here and back home. I laughed a ton and cried a ton and I think that makes for a very successful day. Tomorrow I am making the choice not to go on the hike because it is not good for me and I find a lot of power in that, but I will be in the gym working hard.
Every day I learn more about me and this process and I am excited about being healthy for a long time. This is a journey and today I found safety, strength, and friendship along the way.
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