Weepy Wednesday (aka shit got real!)

Today was hard. I woke up feeling anxious, I tried so hard on the hike yesterday and that was great, but my calf was really hurting all afternoon. This morning I went to stretch with the wood sprite (or Betty as the other guests call her) and she is wonderful and made my day a bit better. She had us make a goal for our self and my goal was to get to a 4 on the treadmill during cardio. After stretch I went to breakfast, ordered the same as yesterday, and as I was getting ready for the hike my anxiety increased more and more. I got in the bus and loved chatting with my group as we drove down the windy crazy road to the shady hiking trail. I was booking it on the hike and about a quarter of a mile in my leg started cramping, I walked through it and before I knew it my foot was numb. I thought I could push through and potentially hurt myself or I an turn around. I told the hiking guide I needed to go back. She was happy to take me and we sat in the van for an hour while everyone else hiked.

We talked the entire hour, and as we talked I ended up sharing things with her, and she with me. When the group got back I felt like shit, my leg was cramping, but they were sweating and giving each other high fives. I was sitting there eating a banana and only walked a little over a mile. As we drove back to the resort I was feeling like a failure. The first thing on my agenda when I got back was to go to the life coach, before I went I stopped by my room to change clothes and check in on facebook. One of the amazing women from my church, Rebbecca, had sent me a scripture about vulnerability. The message just got me and I lost it and was almost to that place where I might not stop crying when my alarm rang and it was time to go to life coaching.

The Life Coach looked 12 and when I walked in I thought, this might be a bad idea. It started off slow and then we got to the meat of things. She told me that Wednesday is the hardest day and that they call it weepy Wednesday because everyone is just so overwhelmed emotionally and physically.  We talked about making myself a priority and how stopping on the trail was doing just that. I realized that sacrificing what others thought saved me from potentially getting physically hurt and not being able to complete my week. I also realized that I have been working really hard, but not really having a lot of fun, and that is so far from my personality. As I left that session thought, "I have not really belly laughed since I have been here" so that was the second goal I set for the day.

Before I went to lunch I emailed some friends from work whose responses made me both belly laugh and feel good. Lunch was okay kind of a dry fish taco but the company was good, after lunch we had a session about emotional eating which resonated and gave some good tips to try at home. I am happy to share if anyone is interested. Then I went to kickboxing, which is fun! I did learn in kickboxing that if you have to pee you should do that before class starts, because you can't hold it and squat and punch at the same time. I ended up running out of class but then came back to finish!

Then it was off to cardio, which today was mountain where you slowly increase your intensity. I was working as hard as I could and my calf muscles tensed and tightened. I increased in resistance and I had a full fledged charlie horse. The challenge ended and I had only reached a 3.4 and I felt awful. Then the instructor asked if we would like to go for 30 seconds and hit it even harder, we all agreed and though it hurt I just kept pushing that button until it got to 4. I ran and it hurt but I pumped my arms and didn't stop. That 30 seconds felt like forever but at the end it felt like I won a gold medal.  Wednesday was starting to turn around.

I decided that instead of stretch I would go to the pool for my last class. The instructor was amazing and is a really good DJ, so the music was great. I felt really good about pushing myself, and doing resistance training that I simply am not ready for yet in the gym like pushups and squats. When we ended class we all laid on our backs in the pool with a fun noodle listening to Bob Marley's "Don't Worry About a Thing". I happened to be next to Ruben. I started to sing and then he joined in. So my day of training ended with me in the pool singing "Every little thing is gonna be alright" with Ruben from American Idol, which is kind of amazing!

I then went and took a quick shower and then straight to the dreamy chiropractor. On my way, I stopped at the front desk  where I received a beautiful bouquet of flowers from Kim and Cece! I desperately needed that pick me up today and everyone oohed and awwed over them. I then went and saw the dreamy Chiropractor who was very handsome but also just amazing at what he does! I felt so safe and calm. We got to talking and he is so damn funny I was belly laughing so hard and we were cracking jokes. It's like when he released all that tension and stress somehow it let me be free to be me. He then gave me some great tips and it was time for his next client and me to have dinner.

Dinner was not quite ready so I sat with the "rowdy girls" outside for a bit. I have talked to these girls a bit but never really just chilled with them. They were fantastic and before you knew it we were laughing, telling stories, and I felt like me more and more.

So here is the thing. I have been here for three days. Day one and two I felt like I was just in it taking it all in and trying. Today I realize that I have to make this work for me! Most people are here for multiple weeks and I don't have that kind of time. I am going to set daily goals but keep my eye on the prize which is learning as much as I can to be as healthy as I can.

The things that really resonated with me today was when the life coach said my health mattered because I matter to other people. I have never thought about it that way before. I have this amazing community of supporters and loved ones that I matter to, and because I am important to them I have to be important to myself. It is like that South African Proverb Ubuntu: I am, because you are, my humanity is tied to yours. My new version of this is I am, because you are, my health is connected to yours.

This is not going to be easy, but if I remember who I am, we will all get healthy together.