I can remember the anticipation when I was in high school and school was about to start, the new clothes, the new goals, the hope of being one of the popular girls. It was a complete clean slate! And on the that first day I would wake up early, put on my best outfit, steal a little bit of my sisters perfume, and head into the lions den. Inevitably the day would end with some sort of spot on my new clothes, homework, and I would never be one the of popular girls, but I always had the loudest, craziest, and most fun lunch table. Before school started I would idealize my year and it would become my own version of an 80's teen movie, I would be Molly Ringwald of course. The reality was my days were pretty normal and though their was a fair share of high school drama, the day to day was just like the year before.
When I came home last week after three weeks of travel, I had the same first day of school nerves. I had spent three weeks investing in my future, setting goals, and exposing my fears and hopes to the world, well my world. I sat down on Monday to write and my head was flooded with stories to tell and people to thank. This quickly turned into me being paralyzed with worry that I would forget someone or something important. So I just stopped. I let myself ease into the normalcy of my life. I went grocery shopping, I went to work, and I spent some much needed quality time with Polly. And though I wanted everything to magically change when I got home, it was really hard!
I was thoughtful at the grocery store and read labels and tried hard to make "smart choices" I spent some time in the peanut butter aisle reading multiple bands labels. I learned at BLR that peanut butter is a avalanche food for me. That it's something once I start eating it's hard for me not to finish the entire jar. After reading labels I decided that purchasing a jar that was a healthier option was better than buying the individually packaged single servings. I thought that I could control my avalanche food and a jar of peanut butter couldn't keep me down. I was wrong! In three days I ate the whole jar! The difference is instead of feeling shameful for a prolonged amount of time, I told a friend and I made my shame public. She told me that she has been there, she did not judge, she wasn't disappointed in me, she just loved me and reminded me that I am not alone.
I made the choice to be public about my journey because I had to try something different. I had to let people in, in order to make inward and outward changes. By doing that I have felt very exposed, deeply supported, but very exposed. So I have decided that I will not let fear and worry paralyze me. I am going to keep going and sometimes I am going to fail but I am not going to stop trying, it's simply to important.
I went to the gym for the for the first time since I have been back yesterday and let me tell you I worked my tail off. As I increased the speed and incline on the treadmill I could hear the Woodsprite and all of the other BLR trainers in my ear telling me "Push yourself!" "You can do more!" "You are an athlete!" When I went back today I felt pride as I sweated and pushed myself to lift more weight and do another five minutes of cardio. I was using my body and if felt good.
I guess I am learning that life isn't a movie and sadly I am not Molly Ringwald. Things are going to change slowly and this journey is about me and my limits. I am going to write once a week and I can't promise it will be anything worth reading, but it's part of how I am healing, and learning, and I am so grateful to have a network of friends and supporters who are willing to listen and simply be there.
Sunday, July 27, 2014
Sunday, July 13, 2014
Saturday and Sunday and off into the world!
Saturday morning I woke up around 5:30am and I was so
sleepy! I got my clothes on grabbed my camelback and went to stretch before the
last hike. I went down to breakfast, eggs and toast, and sat with the Rowdy
Girls. There, one of the wifeies let me know that she would prefer to be call
the Rowdy Women! I think Rowdy girls has a better ring to it, but I always appreciate
the feminist argument. We chatted and laughed over breakfast and then it was
off the to be beach hike.
We walked about 4miles along the beach. I stuck with the
Wifey that walked with me the first day. We talked and walked for a little over
an hour. It is so great learning from someone who has so much unique life
experience. At one point it was just the two of us with a trail guide, and two
ladies were passing us reading our Biggest Loser namebadges and Wifey said,
“Yes we are contestants on the show” I smiled and the women screamed out some
inspirational words and said that they would be rooting for us. As soon as they
passed I cracked up laughing! We got back to the van and met the rest of our
group and had our snack, banana and
peanut butter.
When we got back to the resort we had about 10 minutes
before it was time for last chance workout! I was nervous about it but it
turned out to be a complete highlight of the week (there is a trend here about
me being nervous about things and them then turning into something amazing) The
Wood Sprite and the other trainer picked captains and then the captains picked picked
there own team. I was a captain and
picked a good mix of my purps and rowdy girls, including my Wifey friend. She
quickly became the CEO of our team and was responsible for spinning (and stopping) the wheel of exercises to tell
us what our team would be doing reps
of100 of, we did countless numbers of sprints, treadmill pull-ups, balance-ball
push-ups, crunches, bicep curls, lunges… this went on for about 45 minutes.
Then it was time to get on your favorite cardio machine. We
did six minutes in 30 second sprints, alternating 30 seconds on and 30 seconds
off. I started my fist 30 seconds with a
run at 3.5 on the treadmill, we were all cheering each other on and the energy
in the room was electric, then up to 4.0, then back 4.3, then up to 4.5, then
3.5 again my brain told me I could not do any more. Then the Wood Sprite told
us we had to tell the person next to us what our number was. I turned to the
girls on the machines next to me and said I am going to try to get back to 4.
We started running and I was up to a 4 then with 15 seconds to go I pushed to a
4.5 and at 10 seconds I pushed to a 5! I was running! I have never run that
hard in my life. Every second I felt
stronger! The wood sprite started counting down 5.4.3. you could hear people in
the gym yelling “Get IT!” “Keep Going” 2
“We Got This” 1 then you could hear grunting and cheering “And slow down” the wood sprite screamed. The
room erupted in joy and pride.
We all caught our breath, cleaned off our machine and headed
over to the aerobics gym for a stretch. We were all so hyper we were laughing
and talking, but did a nice stretch. I found myself bursting with pride with
tears streaming down my eyes. We received our “Last Chance Workout Buffs” and
then headed to lunch. We had bbq sandwiches with carrot soup and veggies.
Then four of us went to get mani and pedi’s which was a
great way to end my week. Then we headed back for graduation. We watched the
video from the week, and then we all went around and said nice things about
each other and our journey. I quoted my friend Tom about how he likened my
journey to an awakening. I told this new family that this week I had found a
part of myself I never knew. There was a part of me that was awake for the
first time. After graduation was dinner, I had the tuna salad again and then
chocolate covered strawberries for dessert!
The rest of the evening the Rowdy Girls/Women sat around the
pool laughing, telling stories, and loving on Elliott, the Wood Sprite’s Boston
Terrier. The Rowdy Girls are made up of two mother daughter groups one from
Ohio and one from Southern California, the wifeies, a young girl from Southern
California, a college student from Southern Illinois, a lawyer from New York, a
sassy loud mouth from L.A. via New Jersey, the Wood Sprite, and of course Elliott
(though he is not a girl). All of these women met at the resort! Some have been coming for years, some for
months; some have been there for weeks. But last night I felt safe, and loved,
and like I had found a new place to love and grow! I was one of the last two Rowdy Girls on the sofa by the pool and then
I headed back to my to my room to pack and get ready to see my City Year family
This morning I slept in until 6:30 and then got up, got
dressed, and headed to my weigh in. I was not nervous or anxious, I knew that I
had worked hard and hoped for some sort of physical result. The Wood Sprite was
doing weigh outs. I got up on the scale and lost 4.8lbs, then she measured me
and I lost about 3inches, and finally I looked at my body fat percentage and I
lost about 1% of my body fat. I also gained a little muscle in the process. I
felt like a complete and total success!
After weighing in I went to breakfast one last time with the
Rowdy Girls/Women. Then one the Rowdy Girls and I got in the car service my sister got me and
headed to the airport. And now here I
sit trying to reflect on the week and prepare for the next. I think all I have
to say is I am grateful. Grateful for my job to let me invest in myself for a
week. Grateful for my family to allow me the time to invest in me this summer
instead of a having family vacation. Grateful for my amazing network of friends
who have supported me with an embarrassment of riches, love, inspiration,
grace, and encouragement. Grateful for the people that worked on themselves
this week alongside me, who sweated, grunted, sighed, and pushed forward to
find health. I am Grateful that I said yes to this process.
So here I go out into the big world. I will fall and get up
over and over again never forgetting that my health is tied to yours, I am because you are. Let’s live the best life we can together. I will continue to blog and
share this journey with you!
Friday, July 11, 2014
Friday Fun Day
This morning I woke up around 6:30 and got ready for breakfast. I mixed it up today with eggs and toast. I took TJ aside and told her I wouldn't be going on the hike today and she reminded me that I was F'ing Awesome and to put that on a sticky note somewhere in my life that said just that, it's currently on the mirror in my bathroom. Then everyone went out for there hike. I went back to my room to start slowly getting back into reality. I read some work email, paid some bills, and did some getting healthy shopping on Amazon.
Then I walked to the gym and all of the instructors were in there working out, I saw them and decided I didn't want to work out with them. So I went back to my room and did a little more shopping. I bought a foam roller and yoga mat, a cookbook, Wii Zumba and Wii Jillian Micheals workout, weight training for dummies, and Intentional Eating all for under $70! Thank you Amazon!
Once I was done shopping I went back to the gym, the trainers were still there but this time I didn't care. I got up on a treadmill and really pushed myself, then an elliptical, a bike, and ended with treadmill. Then I had a session on reading labels that was great and super informative, and before I knew it, it was time for lunch, which was delicious a steak pita and tomato soup (the soups here are amazing!)
After lunch we had a round table with a trainer, life coach, and dietician. It was great and I took some really good notes on how to not loose this momentum. Then it was off to swim, which was great and much needed for a hot day. After swim we did Aqua Zumba ending with us all saying "I am beautiful, I am Handsome, I am worthy, I am FABULOUS" and then I ended my workouts with a stretch class. The last learning session I had was "working out at home" with Cam, who is really good and makes things very doable.
Dinner I sat with the Rowdy girls and laughed, I ordered the tuna salad off the alternative menu and it was SO GOOD! We had apple cobbler for dessert. After dinner the wood sprite brought her cute little Boston Terrier Elliot out to the patio and we all sat around and talked and played catch with that little guy.
Today reminded me how much I love living in community! I feel so supported here and safe, and I have only known these people for SIX DAYS! I have learned so much about myself this week and today I just enjoyed every minute of it. I knew when I was getting anxious, I knew when I was working hard, and I just rode the day like wave letting it all wash over me.
Then I walked to the gym and all of the instructors were in there working out, I saw them and decided I didn't want to work out with them. So I went back to my room and did a little more shopping. I bought a foam roller and yoga mat, a cookbook, Wii Zumba and Wii Jillian Micheals workout, weight training for dummies, and Intentional Eating all for under $70! Thank you Amazon!
Once I was done shopping I went back to the gym, the trainers were still there but this time I didn't care. I got up on a treadmill and really pushed myself, then an elliptical, a bike, and ended with treadmill. Then I had a session on reading labels that was great and super informative, and before I knew it, it was time for lunch, which was delicious a steak pita and tomato soup (the soups here are amazing!)
After lunch we had a round table with a trainer, life coach, and dietician. It was great and I took some really good notes on how to not loose this momentum. Then it was off to swim, which was great and much needed for a hot day. After swim we did Aqua Zumba ending with us all saying "I am beautiful, I am Handsome, I am worthy, I am FABULOUS" and then I ended my workouts with a stretch class. The last learning session I had was "working out at home" with Cam, who is really good and makes things very doable.
Dinner I sat with the Rowdy girls and laughed, I ordered the tuna salad off the alternative menu and it was SO GOOD! We had apple cobbler for dessert. After dinner the wood sprite brought her cute little Boston Terrier Elliot out to the patio and we all sat around and talked and played catch with that little guy.
Today reminded me how much I love living in community! I feel so supported here and safe, and I have only known these people for SIX DAYS! I have learned so much about myself this week and today I just enjoyed every minute of it. I knew when I was getting anxious, I knew when I was working hard, and I just rode the day like wave letting it all wash over me.
Thursday, July 10, 2014
Thursday is a good day
I slept awful last night! I had horrible anxiety and decided at about 1:30am I was not going to any of the morning sessions. My alarm went off at 4:45, 5:00, 5:10, 5:30 and then I reset it for 6:30. I slept through the optional stretch class that I have been going to every morning and when I got out of bed at 6:30 I thought I am just going to tell them I can't do today. I went down for breakfast, with my hiking gear, and sat down with this amazing couple, (who I will call the wifeies) who are part of the rowdy girl bunch. I was telling them how much last night sucked and they offered there phone numbers to make sure that I had someone to call if I needed someone. I told them I hated the hike and they both said, "This week is about you take care of yourself". One of the other Rowdy girls told me to talk to TJ the hiking coach and tell her what was up. (Oh and I ate the scramble again)
I went over to TJ and told her that the hikes make me feel bad emotionally and I really had a rough night and didn't want to go. She told me that today was the beach workout and that we would not be hiking just doing circuit training on the beach. She also told me that she suffered from anxiety and that this was a safe place. I decided to take the risk and go, but still had a whole bunch of anxiety. We loaded up the vans and we were off. The drive was beautiful today and when we got to the beach it was overcast and lovely. We did a walk on the beach in our shoes, in the sand, and it sucked. Then it was time for circuit training. I had a partner and we started with, I can't even remember what we started with I was in such a fog, then we moved to station two, then three, and then the tears. I don't know what happened but all of a sudden I lost it. I was having a full on freak out on the beach.
I turned around and just started crying. It was like something inside of me broke open and I just released all of this emotion. One of the sweet hiking guides came over to me and kindly of took me out of the line of workouts, sat me down and gave me some water. I thought that I might stop crying at this point. NOPE. I just sat there and sobbed. TJ called me over and asked if I was okay. I was breathing so hard I could barely talk. She had me slow down my breath and just started talking to me about a time she had an anxiety attack.
When my breath steadied and I felt under control again. TJ talked to me more and asked what I was doing last week, I said sitting at work or sitting on the couch. Then she turned me around and said look at this, you were doing this. In front of me there were 30 people pushing, pulling, running, and moving. She said you did that and that is F'ing Awesome. As I looked out on the beach I thought how I have seen groups of people doing boot camps in parks at home and I never thought I would have ever been able to do this! She said now say I am F'ing Awesome! I said it but didn't believe it. She said say it again. I stood there at the beach looking at athletes training and working their bodies and I said, I am Fucking Awesome! three times and I believed it.
TJ asked if I was able to get back to the workout and I told her that I needed some time to just be and asked if it was okay for me to walk alone on the beach, she said sure. So I put in my headphones and started to walk barefoot on the sand. I put in my ear buds and I could hear Ani Difranco singing "Buildings and Bridges" as I walked this is what I heard, "We are made to bleed and scab and heal and bleed again, and turn every scar into a joke...buildings and bridges are made to bend in the wind to withstand the world that's what it takes and all the this steel and stone is no match for the air my friend what doesn't bend breaks, what doesn't bend breaks." I just walked up and down the beach listening with the sand between my toes, "What doesn't bend breaks"
When we got back to the resort I did a stretch class and then lunch with the rowdy girls, lettuce wraps with turkey and quinoa. After lunch I had a class about setting goals for my return. I have decided to tackle two of them in the first three months. 1. Sleeping 8 hours a night. 2. Starting the journey of eating with intention. Then it was off to Total Toning which was a step class with a weighted bar. It was tough but I made it through the whole class and pushed myself. Then I had an appointment with the nutritionist, but first quickly ran to my room changed into my swimsuit and cover up so I could go to pool class after. The meeting with the nutritionist was great and I feel confident on my food plan when I return home.
Then swim with my purps, which was so fun, there were like 40 of us in the pool because it was so hot. We all worked hard but had a great time. Lots of laughing today and silliness in the pool. After swimming a couple of us got into the hot tub and talked a bit before going back to the room to shower. Then dinner beef with noodles and strawberry sorbet for dessert.
After dinner I sat on the porch and talked with some of the Rowdy girls and others as I waited for my chiropractor appointment. We all talked about our journeys, our families, our goals, I even invited myself to a trip they are taking to Hawaii in October. Slowly everyone went to their rooms and I stayed for my appointment. It was great and dreamy chiropractor worked on me as well as showed me a darling video of his baby boy. Then I walked under the beautiful full moon back to my room, and here I am.
Today was really long and emotionally it was very liberating. It was good to cry and good to be taken care of. It was also so good to hear so many stories and know that this is a journey that people are on with me here and back home. I laughed a ton and cried a ton and I think that makes for a very successful day. Tomorrow I am making the choice not to go on the hike because it is not good for me and I find a lot of power in that, but I will be in the gym working hard.
Every day I learn more about me and this process and I am excited about being healthy for a long time. This is a journey and today I found safety, strength, and friendship along the way.
I went over to TJ and told her that the hikes make me feel bad emotionally and I really had a rough night and didn't want to go. She told me that today was the beach workout and that we would not be hiking just doing circuit training on the beach. She also told me that she suffered from anxiety and that this was a safe place. I decided to take the risk and go, but still had a whole bunch of anxiety. We loaded up the vans and we were off. The drive was beautiful today and when we got to the beach it was overcast and lovely. We did a walk on the beach in our shoes, in the sand, and it sucked. Then it was time for circuit training. I had a partner and we started with, I can't even remember what we started with I was in such a fog, then we moved to station two, then three, and then the tears. I don't know what happened but all of a sudden I lost it. I was having a full on freak out on the beach.
I turned around and just started crying. It was like something inside of me broke open and I just released all of this emotion. One of the sweet hiking guides came over to me and kindly of took me out of the line of workouts, sat me down and gave me some water. I thought that I might stop crying at this point. NOPE. I just sat there and sobbed. TJ called me over and asked if I was okay. I was breathing so hard I could barely talk. She had me slow down my breath and just started talking to me about a time she had an anxiety attack.
When my breath steadied and I felt under control again. TJ talked to me more and asked what I was doing last week, I said sitting at work or sitting on the couch. Then she turned me around and said look at this, you were doing this. In front of me there were 30 people pushing, pulling, running, and moving. She said you did that and that is F'ing Awesome. As I looked out on the beach I thought how I have seen groups of people doing boot camps in parks at home and I never thought I would have ever been able to do this! She said now say I am F'ing Awesome! I said it but didn't believe it. She said say it again. I stood there at the beach looking at athletes training and working their bodies and I said, I am Fucking Awesome! three times and I believed it.
TJ asked if I was able to get back to the workout and I told her that I needed some time to just be and asked if it was okay for me to walk alone on the beach, she said sure. So I put in my headphones and started to walk barefoot on the sand. I put in my ear buds and I could hear Ani Difranco singing "Buildings and Bridges" as I walked this is what I heard, "We are made to bleed and scab and heal and bleed again, and turn every scar into a joke...buildings and bridges are made to bend in the wind to withstand the world that's what it takes and all the this steel and stone is no match for the air my friend what doesn't bend breaks, what doesn't bend breaks." I just walked up and down the beach listening with the sand between my toes, "What doesn't bend breaks"
When we got back to the resort I did a stretch class and then lunch with the rowdy girls, lettuce wraps with turkey and quinoa. After lunch I had a class about setting goals for my return. I have decided to tackle two of them in the first three months. 1. Sleeping 8 hours a night. 2. Starting the journey of eating with intention. Then it was off to Total Toning which was a step class with a weighted bar. It was tough but I made it through the whole class and pushed myself. Then I had an appointment with the nutritionist, but first quickly ran to my room changed into my swimsuit and cover up so I could go to pool class after. The meeting with the nutritionist was great and I feel confident on my food plan when I return home.
Then swim with my purps, which was so fun, there were like 40 of us in the pool because it was so hot. We all worked hard but had a great time. Lots of laughing today and silliness in the pool. After swimming a couple of us got into the hot tub and talked a bit before going back to the room to shower. Then dinner beef with noodles and strawberry sorbet for dessert.
After dinner I sat on the porch and talked with some of the Rowdy girls and others as I waited for my chiropractor appointment. We all talked about our journeys, our families, our goals, I even invited myself to a trip they are taking to Hawaii in October. Slowly everyone went to their rooms and I stayed for my appointment. It was great and dreamy chiropractor worked on me as well as showed me a darling video of his baby boy. Then I walked under the beautiful full moon back to my room, and here I am.
Today was really long and emotionally it was very liberating. It was good to cry and good to be taken care of. It was also so good to hear so many stories and know that this is a journey that people are on with me here and back home. I laughed a ton and cried a ton and I think that makes for a very successful day. Tomorrow I am making the choice not to go on the hike because it is not good for me and I find a lot of power in that, but I will be in the gym working hard.
Every day I learn more about me and this process and I am excited about being healthy for a long time. This is a journey and today I found safety, strength, and friendship along the way.
Wednesday, July 9, 2014
Weepy Wednesday (aka shit got real!)
Today was hard. I woke up feeling anxious, I tried so hard on the hike yesterday and that was great, but my calf was really hurting all afternoon. This morning I went to stretch with the wood sprite (or Betty as the other guests call her) and she is wonderful and made my day a bit better. She had us make a goal for our self and my goal was to get to a 4 on the treadmill during cardio. After stretch I went to breakfast, ordered the same as yesterday, and as I was getting ready for the hike my anxiety increased more and more. I got in the bus and loved chatting with my group as we drove down the windy crazy road to the shady hiking trail. I was booking it on the hike and about a quarter of a mile in my leg started cramping, I walked through it and before I knew it my foot was numb. I thought I could push through and potentially hurt myself or I an turn around. I told the hiking guide I needed to go back. She was happy to take me and we sat in the van for an hour while everyone else hiked.
We talked the entire hour, and as we talked I ended up sharing things with her, and she with me. When the group got back I felt like shit, my leg was cramping, but they were sweating and giving each other high fives. I was sitting there eating a banana and only walked a little over a mile. As we drove back to the resort I was feeling like a failure. The first thing on my agenda when I got back was to go to the life coach, before I went I stopped by my room to change clothes and check in on facebook. One of the amazing women from my church, Rebbecca, had sent me a scripture about vulnerability. The message just got me and I lost it and was almost to that place where I might not stop crying when my alarm rang and it was time to go to life coaching.
The Life Coach looked 12 and when I walked in I thought, this might be a bad idea. It started off slow and then we got to the meat of things. She told me that Wednesday is the hardest day and that they call it weepy Wednesday because everyone is just so overwhelmed emotionally and physically. We talked about making myself a priority and how stopping on the trail was doing just that. I realized that sacrificing what others thought saved me from potentially getting physically hurt and not being able to complete my week. I also realized that I have been working really hard, but not really having a lot of fun, and that is so far from my personality. As I left that session thought, "I have not really belly laughed since I have been here" so that was the second goal I set for the day.
Before I went to lunch I emailed some friends from work whose responses made me both belly laugh and feel good. Lunch was okay kind of a dry fish taco but the company was good, after lunch we had a session about emotional eating which resonated and gave some good tips to try at home. I am happy to share if anyone is interested. Then I went to kickboxing, which is fun! I did learn in kickboxing that if you have to pee you should do that before class starts, because you can't hold it and squat and punch at the same time. I ended up running out of class but then came back to finish!
Then it was off to cardio, which today was mountain where you slowly increase your intensity. I was working as hard as I could and my calf muscles tensed and tightened. I increased in resistance and I had a full fledged charlie horse. The challenge ended and I had only reached a 3.4 and I felt awful. Then the instructor asked if we would like to go for 30 seconds and hit it even harder, we all agreed and though it hurt I just kept pushing that button until it got to 4. I ran and it hurt but I pumped my arms and didn't stop. That 30 seconds felt like forever but at the end it felt like I won a gold medal. Wednesday was starting to turn around.
I decided that instead of stretch I would go to the pool for my last class. The instructor was amazing and is a really good DJ, so the music was great. I felt really good about pushing myself, and doing resistance training that I simply am not ready for yet in the gym like pushups and squats. When we ended class we all laid on our backs in the pool with a fun noodle listening to Bob Marley's "Don't Worry About a Thing". I happened to be next to Ruben. I started to sing and then he joined in. So my day of training ended with me in the pool singing "Every little thing is gonna be alright" with Ruben from American Idol, which is kind of amazing!
I then went and took a quick shower and then straight to the dreamy chiropractor. On my way, I stopped at the front desk where I received a beautiful bouquet of flowers from Kim and Cece! I desperately needed that pick me up today and everyone oohed and awwed over them. I then went and saw the dreamy Chiropractor who was very handsome but also just amazing at what he does! I felt so safe and calm. We got to talking and he is so damn funny I was belly laughing so hard and we were cracking jokes. It's like when he released all that tension and stress somehow it let me be free to be me. He then gave me some great tips and it was time for his next client and me to have dinner.
Dinner was not quite ready so I sat with the "rowdy girls" outside for a bit. I have talked to these girls a bit but never really just chilled with them. They were fantastic and before you knew it we were laughing, telling stories, and I felt like me more and more.
So here is the thing. I have been here for three days. Day one and two I felt like I was just in it taking it all in and trying. Today I realize that I have to make this work for me! Most people are here for multiple weeks and I don't have that kind of time. I am going to set daily goals but keep my eye on the prize which is learning as much as I can to be as healthy as I can.
The things that really resonated with me today was when the life coach said my health mattered because I matter to other people. I have never thought about it that way before. I have this amazing community of supporters and loved ones that I matter to, and because I am important to them I have to be important to myself. It is like that South African Proverb Ubuntu: I am, because you are, my humanity is tied to yours. My new version of this is I am, because you are, my health is connected to yours.
This is not going to be easy, but if I remember who I am, we will all get healthy together.
We talked the entire hour, and as we talked I ended up sharing things with her, and she with me. When the group got back I felt like shit, my leg was cramping, but they were sweating and giving each other high fives. I was sitting there eating a banana and only walked a little over a mile. As we drove back to the resort I was feeling like a failure. The first thing on my agenda when I got back was to go to the life coach, before I went I stopped by my room to change clothes and check in on facebook. One of the amazing women from my church, Rebbecca, had sent me a scripture about vulnerability. The message just got me and I lost it and was almost to that place where I might not stop crying when my alarm rang and it was time to go to life coaching.
The Life Coach looked 12 and when I walked in I thought, this might be a bad idea. It started off slow and then we got to the meat of things. She told me that Wednesday is the hardest day and that they call it weepy Wednesday because everyone is just so overwhelmed emotionally and physically. We talked about making myself a priority and how stopping on the trail was doing just that. I realized that sacrificing what others thought saved me from potentially getting physically hurt and not being able to complete my week. I also realized that I have been working really hard, but not really having a lot of fun, and that is so far from my personality. As I left that session thought, "I have not really belly laughed since I have been here" so that was the second goal I set for the day.
Before I went to lunch I emailed some friends from work whose responses made me both belly laugh and feel good. Lunch was okay kind of a dry fish taco but the company was good, after lunch we had a session about emotional eating which resonated and gave some good tips to try at home. I am happy to share if anyone is interested. Then I went to kickboxing, which is fun! I did learn in kickboxing that if you have to pee you should do that before class starts, because you can't hold it and squat and punch at the same time. I ended up running out of class but then came back to finish!
Then it was off to cardio, which today was mountain where you slowly increase your intensity. I was working as hard as I could and my calf muscles tensed and tightened. I increased in resistance and I had a full fledged charlie horse. The challenge ended and I had only reached a 3.4 and I felt awful. Then the instructor asked if we would like to go for 30 seconds and hit it even harder, we all agreed and though it hurt I just kept pushing that button until it got to 4. I ran and it hurt but I pumped my arms and didn't stop. That 30 seconds felt like forever but at the end it felt like I won a gold medal. Wednesday was starting to turn around.
I decided that instead of stretch I would go to the pool for my last class. The instructor was amazing and is a really good DJ, so the music was great. I felt really good about pushing myself, and doing resistance training that I simply am not ready for yet in the gym like pushups and squats. When we ended class we all laid on our backs in the pool with a fun noodle listening to Bob Marley's "Don't Worry About a Thing". I happened to be next to Ruben. I started to sing and then he joined in. So my day of training ended with me in the pool singing "Every little thing is gonna be alright" with Ruben from American Idol, which is kind of amazing!
I then went and took a quick shower and then straight to the dreamy chiropractor. On my way, I stopped at the front desk where I received a beautiful bouquet of flowers from Kim and Cece! I desperately needed that pick me up today and everyone oohed and awwed over them. I then went and saw the dreamy Chiropractor who was very handsome but also just amazing at what he does! I felt so safe and calm. We got to talking and he is so damn funny I was belly laughing so hard and we were cracking jokes. It's like when he released all that tension and stress somehow it let me be free to be me. He then gave me some great tips and it was time for his next client and me to have dinner.
Dinner was not quite ready so I sat with the "rowdy girls" outside for a bit. I have talked to these girls a bit but never really just chilled with them. They were fantastic and before you knew it we were laughing, telling stories, and I felt like me more and more.
So here is the thing. I have been here for three days. Day one and two I felt like I was just in it taking it all in and trying. Today I realize that I have to make this work for me! Most people are here for multiple weeks and I don't have that kind of time. I am going to set daily goals but keep my eye on the prize which is learning as much as I can to be as healthy as I can.
The things that really resonated with me today was when the life coach said my health mattered because I matter to other people. I have never thought about it that way before. I have this amazing community of supporters and loved ones that I matter to, and because I am important to them I have to be important to myself. It is like that South African Proverb Ubuntu: I am, because you are, my humanity is tied to yours. My new version of this is I am, because you are, my health is connected to yours.
This is not going to be easy, but if I remember who I am, we will all get healthy together.
Tuesday, July 8, 2014
Tuesday, tears, torture, and a little Jesus
Wow did I feel your prayers and encouragement today! I woke up this morning at 5am to NO PAIN!!! and no water in my room, you can't win them all (thank God I took a shower last night). I decided to start my day off on an encouraging vibe and listened to inspirational music before heading off to stretch class at 6am. The stretching was good and I think it really helped me later in the day. After stretch I went and had breakfast, same as yesterday scrambled eggs with turkey bacon and veggies and a slice of toast. I then went and duct taped my pinky toe to my other toes because I was staring to get a blister, which made me feel like an athlete! Then it was off to van two to hike.
Today we hiked in the same place Little House on the Prairie was filmed. It was HOT and there was not much shade. I stretched my calf muscle before we started and decided I would just breath and take it at my own pace. Last night I messaged some women from my church to pray for me specifically about the hike and received so many words of encouragement and love, my friend Betsy reminded me of breath prayers where you say a prayer while you take a breath. So as the hike got harder I breathed in "All things" and out "can be done through Christ Jesus" and this set the tone for my hike. I chugged along at the back of the pack but at the first hill the entire group cheered me on as I made it up the hill. I would stop and breath and they would yell "You can do it girl" and when I made it up there were high fives.
We walked down the hill and then up a very steep hill. To be honest I wanted to turn back. I had forgot about my breath and felt like I might just puke right there. But then the prayer came to my mind (in"All things" out "Can be done through Christ Jesus") as my group started to cheer again, "don't stop now, you got this!" "Sarah you are doing so good!" It took me what felt like forever to get up that hill but I did it. We took some pictures, took a breath and then it was down the hill and off to the rest of the hike. As I was walking down the hill I was so proud of myself I started to cry. I did it! It was hard and uncomfortable and everyone could see my weakness, but I did it and it was safe and we all celebrated together.
As the hike went on and it got hotter and hotter the group started up another hill, I knew my limit and told my hiking guide if I go up that hill I will vomit, she said no big deal and instead we (the instructor, me, and another guest) walked around the hill. It took longer and was probably farther but it's what I needed and I felt very comfortable asking for what I needed. We then crossed a little stream that had this little wood plank bridge over it and then hiked for another 30 minutes or so until we got back to the vans. I could see the vans in the distance and I stopped to catch my breath when I did that I felt very woozy, my hiking instructor gave me some electrolytes in the form of a gummy and I was off again. Then out of nowhere there was a breeze and I was so grateful and felt that the Lord was truly providing me this respite and as I walked my breath prayer became in "Thank you" out "Lord". I was one the last people to get to the van but I finished the entire hike and I felt exhausted and great.
When we got back and I was walking to my room I thought I am not going to the next class I am so hot and still feel gross! But I got into my room collapsed on my bed and 3minutes later got up changed my clothes and went to another stretch class, which KICKED MY BUTT!!! The instructor was amazing and after class she went online with me and helped me find some yoga classes in Little Rock that she thought would be a good fit, Floating Lotus here I come!
Then lunch, salad and bbq chicken pizza, then we had a cooking demonstration by the chef here who is awesome. I learned how to make turkey stroganoff and greek chicken soup. The cooking demonstration ran late so I was a little late to Total Toning, but got there just in time to start my work out. We had stations around the room that involved squats with weighted bars, squats with resistance bands, free squats, as well as burpies and some ball throwing; between each station we had to run around the gym. It was crazy hot and I felt faint again but I did not leave class I just ran in place and then right back to my station when it was time. Then we had snack carrots and peanut butter and then Cardio Intervals.
Here is the torture part! The air was out in the cardio gym. It was 3:15 in the afternoon with no air and we had to do cardio intervals, which means increasing your speed and resistance as you run on a machine. I have never wanted to say no to something more in my life! It SUCKED! But the people I was working out with and the instructor were awesome. We were all hot and all grumpy but we did it. The women on the treadmill next to me kept pushing me to do more and more and I did. I did not push myself to my limit, but I pushed myself and have four days to reach my limit. I finished a nasty sweaty mess and quickly went back to my room to change for pool class.
It was so hot that the pool was PACKED! We worked out hard and when I got tiered a member of my group would inspire me to push even stronger. After an hour in the pool sweating, which I did not know was possible, there was a optional water zumba class. I was totally going to go back to my room, but one of my "purps" (we are team purple so we call ourselves the "purps") said, "you are staying right?" I said, "I am not sure" and he said, "Well what are you here for? " And that was it, I stayed and thank God I did.
The instructor was darling. He was a little Latino dancer that could shake and move like no ones business! The class was SO FUN! He would teach us a sequence and then play the music and we would dance our butts off in the water. I laughed and smiled the whole time, at an hour extra work-out who am I? Then at the end of class he jumped in the pool and had us all hold hands and say "I am beautiful, I am handsome, I am unique, and I deserve to be healthy!" So here I am after working out for hours with tears flowing down my eyes under my sunglasses, because I really believed every word! Then back to the room to change again and off to dinner of gluten free beef burrito and a big salad with grilled pineapple for dessert.
Today I rooted myself in my faith. I drew strength from my family and friends to accomplish what seemed like a never ending hot day of moving. I cried tears of pride, not for others but for myself. I learned that breath is life and when you do it, do it with intention. And I danced in the water with joy in my heart and health as my goal.
Today we hiked in the same place Little House on the Prairie was filmed. It was HOT and there was not much shade. I stretched my calf muscle before we started and decided I would just breath and take it at my own pace. Last night I messaged some women from my church to pray for me specifically about the hike and received so many words of encouragement and love, my friend Betsy reminded me of breath prayers where you say a prayer while you take a breath. So as the hike got harder I breathed in "All things" and out "can be done through Christ Jesus" and this set the tone for my hike. I chugged along at the back of the pack but at the first hill the entire group cheered me on as I made it up the hill. I would stop and breath and they would yell "You can do it girl" and when I made it up there were high fives.
We walked down the hill and then up a very steep hill. To be honest I wanted to turn back. I had forgot about my breath and felt like I might just puke right there. But then the prayer came to my mind (in"All things" out "Can be done through Christ Jesus") as my group started to cheer again, "don't stop now, you got this!" "Sarah you are doing so good!" It took me what felt like forever to get up that hill but I did it. We took some pictures, took a breath and then it was down the hill and off to the rest of the hike. As I was walking down the hill I was so proud of myself I started to cry. I did it! It was hard and uncomfortable and everyone could see my weakness, but I did it and it was safe and we all celebrated together.
As the hike went on and it got hotter and hotter the group started up another hill, I knew my limit and told my hiking guide if I go up that hill I will vomit, she said no big deal and instead we (the instructor, me, and another guest) walked around the hill. It took longer and was probably farther but it's what I needed and I felt very comfortable asking for what I needed. We then crossed a little stream that had this little wood plank bridge over it and then hiked for another 30 minutes or so until we got back to the vans. I could see the vans in the distance and I stopped to catch my breath when I did that I felt very woozy, my hiking instructor gave me some electrolytes in the form of a gummy and I was off again. Then out of nowhere there was a breeze and I was so grateful and felt that the Lord was truly providing me this respite and as I walked my breath prayer became in "Thank you" out "Lord". I was one the last people to get to the van but I finished the entire hike and I felt exhausted and great.
When we got back and I was walking to my room I thought I am not going to the next class I am so hot and still feel gross! But I got into my room collapsed on my bed and 3minutes later got up changed my clothes and went to another stretch class, which KICKED MY BUTT!!! The instructor was amazing and after class she went online with me and helped me find some yoga classes in Little Rock that she thought would be a good fit, Floating Lotus here I come!
Then lunch, salad and bbq chicken pizza, then we had a cooking demonstration by the chef here who is awesome. I learned how to make turkey stroganoff and greek chicken soup. The cooking demonstration ran late so I was a little late to Total Toning, but got there just in time to start my work out. We had stations around the room that involved squats with weighted bars, squats with resistance bands, free squats, as well as burpies and some ball throwing; between each station we had to run around the gym. It was crazy hot and I felt faint again but I did not leave class I just ran in place and then right back to my station when it was time. Then we had snack carrots and peanut butter and then Cardio Intervals.
Here is the torture part! The air was out in the cardio gym. It was 3:15 in the afternoon with no air and we had to do cardio intervals, which means increasing your speed and resistance as you run on a machine. I have never wanted to say no to something more in my life! It SUCKED! But the people I was working out with and the instructor were awesome. We were all hot and all grumpy but we did it. The women on the treadmill next to me kept pushing me to do more and more and I did. I did not push myself to my limit, but I pushed myself and have four days to reach my limit. I finished a nasty sweaty mess and quickly went back to my room to change for pool class.
It was so hot that the pool was PACKED! We worked out hard and when I got tiered a member of my group would inspire me to push even stronger. After an hour in the pool sweating, which I did not know was possible, there was a optional water zumba class. I was totally going to go back to my room, but one of my "purps" (we are team purple so we call ourselves the "purps") said, "you are staying right?" I said, "I am not sure" and he said, "Well what are you here for? " And that was it, I stayed and thank God I did.
The instructor was darling. He was a little Latino dancer that could shake and move like no ones business! The class was SO FUN! He would teach us a sequence and then play the music and we would dance our butts off in the water. I laughed and smiled the whole time, at an hour extra work-out who am I? Then at the end of class he jumped in the pool and had us all hold hands and say "I am beautiful, I am handsome, I am unique, and I deserve to be healthy!" So here I am after working out for hours with tears flowing down my eyes under my sunglasses, because I really believed every word! Then back to the room to change again and off to dinner of gluten free beef burrito and a big salad with grilled pineapple for dessert.
Today I rooted myself in my faith. I drew strength from my family and friends to accomplish what seemed like a never ending hot day of moving. I cried tears of pride, not for others but for myself. I learned that breath is life and when you do it, do it with intention. And I danced in the water with joy in my heart and health as my goal.
Monday, July 7, 2014
Never Miss a Monday
My friend Cara has been saying for years "Never Miss a Monday" and today I get it. I never want to feel the way I felt today about moving my body. This has to be a life change. This morning I woke up at 5am and got ready which included using all sorts of sports stuff I have never heard of: Glide (which why they don't market this to chubby people I do not know! If you don't know what this is look it up it's AMAZING!), electrolyte tablets, and foot tape. I then headed to my first class at 6am "knowing your gym" It was a lecture to go over each machine and the proper way to use it. I then headed to breakfast where I enjoyed an egg scramble with chicken sausage and veggies and a half of piece of toast with butter, that's right BUTTER (in it's own perfect little proportion size). Then it was time for the hike!
We left the resort at around 8am, I was in van one and our hike was Malibu Creek. The people in my group were nervous and the van was pretty quiet. The trail guides made it easier by playing some music and initiating conversation. I was nervous but just decided to breathe and see what happens. The hike started strong just walking at a pretty easy incline and then my calves started to tighten, which then went into full blown charlie horses. I talked to one of the amazing trail guides that Cara is friends with, who was on my hike, and she helped me stretch it out. But it was so locked up I could not get it loose. I walked on and then we were going up a bigger hill and I lost my breath, which turned into cramping and me hyperventilating. My trail guide was right there with me and I looked at her and said, "I am having an anxiety attack" She took me to a shaded area (it is super warm this week) to rest and talked me through it. When I caught my breath there was a hiker behind me that we met up with. We walked on a little more before turning around and starting back down the hill. The woman I was hiking with reassured me that I needed to just take my own pace and told me when we get back I should go to stretching.
I walked the rest of the hike back at my own pace,with few stops and pleasant conversations from different people as they passed me or walked with me. I felt calm and safe and still had a little tension in my leg but not awful. We all got back to the vans and I ate my snack on the Van, almonds and a banana, it's amazing how food really feels like fuel when you need it. As we drove back I made a quick facebook post about not making it all the way up the hill. When we arrived I went and changed my clothes, because they were GROSS! and headed to stretching. The breathing and stretching made everything easier and I felt like I could finish the day. (which is good because it was not even half over and little did I know the hardest part was yet to come.)
I then went to a class about heart rate and the essentials of the program. At noon it was time for lunch. We had a delicious greek chicken soup and a mixed salad with steak. Then it was off to circuit training, since I have little to no experience with exercise I had a rough idea what circuit training was but I had no idea how hard I would work. Our trainer was this tiny little wood sprite of a woman. She literally will stand on the machine as you are working out or lay under your body why you are doing a plank, she even sat on someones back today while they were doing pushups. She was AWESOME and reminded me of so many of my favorite people that push me to do more and be better. This class was 45 minutes and I had no time to think. I was running from machine to machine pushing, pulling, running, squatting, and every other thing you can think of. When there was an exercise I could not do she would come over and modify it for me and when I couldn't do the modification she would modify it again. There were about 30 people in the class and by the end of it we were a team giving each other high fives, cheering each other on and grunting as we pushed ourselves harder! IT. WAS. AWESOME!
When that class was over we had time for a snack I had peanut butter and carrots this time and then it was off to core training, with the wood sprite. I asked her in the dining hall if this class would be as hard and she said no with a smile, and I was dumb enough to believe her. We walked in and there were mats all over the floor with sticky notes on them for different exercises we moved around the class doing two minutes of core strengthening and then two minutes of cardio, this is where I did my first burpie (modified but eventually I will rock a burpie!) This back and forth went on for forty-five minutes and with each minute it got more and more intense. I was pushed to go harder and further and I did. I can honestly say I tried my hardest today.
I then chose to go to another stretch class instead of the pool. It felt great to feel my body move and find new positions that made my body feel better. After stretch it was back to a class on nutrition, where I decided to make an appointment with the dietician to create an after-care plan for myself. Then it was time for dinner, shrimp quesadilla with cheese and a salad with bananas covered in chocolate for dessert, YUM! Then straight to the room to shower and sleep!
Today I learned then I can push myself farther than I ever thought I could. I am really good at working hard for others and today for the first time I worked really hard for me, and it was hard and scary and life changingly awesome! I pushed myself to places I never have and felt for the first time I could be an athlete, my body was worthy of being healthy. It's amazing how you feel when you are pushed to your limit and then push harder. I know tomorrow I will need to make a slower pace on the hike so my body does not tense and I can finish the hike without anxiety even if I am in the back of the group, because I am in the group and that's what's important.
My body is tiered but in some ways I feel more alive than I ever have. I am so grateful for all of the love and support I have from friends, family, and my City Year family. I came back to the room after lunch to change my clothes, AGAIN, and I read the messages people had sent me on facebook and just cried at all of the support that rang through those messages. You are all in this with me and I feel your love and support surrounding me! I don't know anyone as lucky as I am to have such a remarkable network of amazing people who are cheering me on.
I saw a monarch butterfly almost every time I walked to class and it made me stop, breathe, and feel grateful for this experience. It also reminded me that I can transform and this whole week is all about learning to fly. Off to bed. I have a hike to rock in the morning.
We left the resort at around 8am, I was in van one and our hike was Malibu Creek. The people in my group were nervous and the van was pretty quiet. The trail guides made it easier by playing some music and initiating conversation. I was nervous but just decided to breathe and see what happens. The hike started strong just walking at a pretty easy incline and then my calves started to tighten, which then went into full blown charlie horses. I talked to one of the amazing trail guides that Cara is friends with, who was on my hike, and she helped me stretch it out. But it was so locked up I could not get it loose. I walked on and then we were going up a bigger hill and I lost my breath, which turned into cramping and me hyperventilating. My trail guide was right there with me and I looked at her and said, "I am having an anxiety attack" She took me to a shaded area (it is super warm this week) to rest and talked me through it. When I caught my breath there was a hiker behind me that we met up with. We walked on a little more before turning around and starting back down the hill. The woman I was hiking with reassured me that I needed to just take my own pace and told me when we get back I should go to stretching.
I walked the rest of the hike back at my own pace,with few stops and pleasant conversations from different people as they passed me or walked with me. I felt calm and safe and still had a little tension in my leg but not awful. We all got back to the vans and I ate my snack on the Van, almonds and a banana, it's amazing how food really feels like fuel when you need it. As we drove back I made a quick facebook post about not making it all the way up the hill. When we arrived I went and changed my clothes, because they were GROSS! and headed to stretching. The breathing and stretching made everything easier and I felt like I could finish the day. (which is good because it was not even half over and little did I know the hardest part was yet to come.)
I then went to a class about heart rate and the essentials of the program. At noon it was time for lunch. We had a delicious greek chicken soup and a mixed salad with steak. Then it was off to circuit training, since I have little to no experience with exercise I had a rough idea what circuit training was but I had no idea how hard I would work. Our trainer was this tiny little wood sprite of a woman. She literally will stand on the machine as you are working out or lay under your body why you are doing a plank, she even sat on someones back today while they were doing pushups. She was AWESOME and reminded me of so many of my favorite people that push me to do more and be better. This class was 45 minutes and I had no time to think. I was running from machine to machine pushing, pulling, running, squatting, and every other thing you can think of. When there was an exercise I could not do she would come over and modify it for me and when I couldn't do the modification she would modify it again. There were about 30 people in the class and by the end of it we were a team giving each other high fives, cheering each other on and grunting as we pushed ourselves harder! IT. WAS. AWESOME!
When that class was over we had time for a snack I had peanut butter and carrots this time and then it was off to core training, with the wood sprite. I asked her in the dining hall if this class would be as hard and she said no with a smile, and I was dumb enough to believe her. We walked in and there were mats all over the floor with sticky notes on them for different exercises we moved around the class doing two minutes of core strengthening and then two minutes of cardio, this is where I did my first burpie (modified but eventually I will rock a burpie!) This back and forth went on for forty-five minutes and with each minute it got more and more intense. I was pushed to go harder and further and I did. I can honestly say I tried my hardest today.
I then chose to go to another stretch class instead of the pool. It felt great to feel my body move and find new positions that made my body feel better. After stretch it was back to a class on nutrition, where I decided to make an appointment with the dietician to create an after-care plan for myself. Then it was time for dinner, shrimp quesadilla with cheese and a salad with bananas covered in chocolate for dessert, YUM! Then straight to the room to shower and sleep!
Today I learned then I can push myself farther than I ever thought I could. I am really good at working hard for others and today for the first time I worked really hard for me, and it was hard and scary and life changingly awesome! I pushed myself to places I never have and felt for the first time I could be an athlete, my body was worthy of being healthy. It's amazing how you feel when you are pushed to your limit and then push harder. I know tomorrow I will need to make a slower pace on the hike so my body does not tense and I can finish the hike without anxiety even if I am in the back of the group, because I am in the group and that's what's important.
My body is tiered but in some ways I feel more alive than I ever have. I am so grateful for all of the love and support I have from friends, family, and my City Year family. I came back to the room after lunch to change my clothes, AGAIN, and I read the messages people had sent me on facebook and just cried at all of the support that rang through those messages. You are all in this with me and I feel your love and support surrounding me! I don't know anyone as lucky as I am to have such a remarkable network of amazing people who are cheering me on.
I saw a monarch butterfly almost every time I walked to class and it made me stop, breathe, and feel grateful for this experience. It also reminded me that I can transform and this whole week is all about learning to fly. Off to bed. I have a hike to rock in the morning.
Sunday, July 6, 2014
Sunday
My day started off with my sister and her husband making sure I have had everything I needed, giving me love, advice, and driving me to the airport. I got to my gate and instantly started having overwhelming anxiety. I did not allow myself to go down that rabbit hole and took one of the emergency anxiety pills my doctor prescribed for just this situation. As the medicine kicked in I was calm centered and then slept the complete one hour flight to Burbank.
As I landed I remembered being at the Burbank airport when I was a little girl. The first flight my sister and I took by ourselves to our Grandmothers house was from that airport to San Jose, funny how being somewhere makes your remember things. I got off the plane walked out to baggage, which is still outside, and saw the beautiful smile of one of my best friends, Cara! She ran up to me and hugged me. We found my luggage ,walked to her car and were off!
We instantly started talking about everything, her family, my family, her kids, our mutual friends, we have not seen each other in two years and it was like we had spent no time apart. We went and had lunch and she gave me all sorts of tips and readied me for arrival to the resort. When we left lunch and headed up the mountain my tummy was nervous but I felt so safe and calm with Cara by my side.
When we arrived there was a very friendly trainer who took my bags from the car and told me to go ahead and get registered. After some paper work I was off to get weighed in. Cara came with me and as he walked through the resort she would see people that she had met when she was here 3 years ago and they did not recognize her because of her 120lb weight loss. It was fun to see her success in action. I went into the room where you weigh in and there was a delightful woman who had me stand on the fanciest scale in America. It took all sorts of measurements and played classical music while it measured you. I am sure this is supposed to calm you in someway but I just felt like I was somehow using technology of the future to measure my body. After the music stopped I got a little chart saying how much I weighed and how much each part of me weighed. The number that stuck with me though is I am 52.5% fat.
52% of what I carry around each day is made up of stuff I don't need. I think this is very telling about this journey. That it's not just about weight loss it's about figuring out what I can get rid of to live a life of intention. So Cara and I talked and on Sunday when I check out I am going to see what that number is and then set a smart goal to reduce it by December. The number on the scale is not great but I am less worried about it, I want to be made of stuff that works instead of stuff that just hangs on and weighs me down.
After checking into my room, by the way I have the best room in the whole place it's the only one with a private deck and sits at the end of a row and is super quiet, I had a trainer walk me back here as well as one of Cara's friends who came to visit her who leads hikes. Cara's friend stayed for a bit and chatted and then as I unpacked Cara went through my schedule and gave me some tips on what to do and how to do it.
We then went to dinner and it was like any time you meet a room full of strangers. Mostly everyone was lovely. Because literally everyone here at this point is a stranger I am not going to talk about them in this blog, this week is about me and my journey, and there journey is for them to tell. Dinner was delish and totally filling and after dinner we all had to go around and say our name, where we are from and a goal this week other than weightloss.
Cara went first and talked about her journey and about how excited she is that I am here and how she hopes I will get out of this week what she did. It was in that moment when I realized that I am never not part of a community. I stood up and said, "Well Cara already introduced me, but I am Sarah and I live in Little Rock, Arkansas and I work as an Executive Director of a non-profit and my goal this week is to focus on me, in a good way. Then everyone went around and introduced themselves followed by orientation. Then I promptly went to the store and bought all the things they talked about in orientation because marketing always works on me!
As I lay here in my little cabin I am overwhelmed by the people who are rooting for me. The notes, emails, text messages, and facebook messages/posts. I have always been a public person when it comes to love and care of others, but rarely when it comes to loving and caring for myself. What I have already learned is that if you simply tell people that you are trying something and you are honest they will react in big and small ways that will make trying easier. These actions have given me more inspiration, strength, and encouragement than I could ever imagine.
Yesterday I said I would stand up and introduce myself as just me, but instead I was introduced by someone I love and respect. Today I was introduced as a friend a title that I take great pride in, and I am so lucky that part of this journey is learning that I have so many friends and I can grow and learn with you. Thank you Cara, and thank you to my overwhelmingly kind and loving community. I am blessed beyond measure.
Goodnight, tomorrow I start getting rid of the 52%!
Also I have no cell service here so if you need tor each me or feel like inspiring me please email or facebook message me.
As I landed I remembered being at the Burbank airport when I was a little girl. The first flight my sister and I took by ourselves to our Grandmothers house was from that airport to San Jose, funny how being somewhere makes your remember things. I got off the plane walked out to baggage, which is still outside, and saw the beautiful smile of one of my best friends, Cara! She ran up to me and hugged me. We found my luggage ,walked to her car and were off!
We instantly started talking about everything, her family, my family, her kids, our mutual friends, we have not seen each other in two years and it was like we had spent no time apart. We went and had lunch and she gave me all sorts of tips and readied me for arrival to the resort. When we left lunch and headed up the mountain my tummy was nervous but I felt so safe and calm with Cara by my side.
When we arrived there was a very friendly trainer who took my bags from the car and told me to go ahead and get registered. After some paper work I was off to get weighed in. Cara came with me and as he walked through the resort she would see people that she had met when she was here 3 years ago and they did not recognize her because of her 120lb weight loss. It was fun to see her success in action. I went into the room where you weigh in and there was a delightful woman who had me stand on the fanciest scale in America. It took all sorts of measurements and played classical music while it measured you. I am sure this is supposed to calm you in someway but I just felt like I was somehow using technology of the future to measure my body. After the music stopped I got a little chart saying how much I weighed and how much each part of me weighed. The number that stuck with me though is I am 52.5% fat.
52% of what I carry around each day is made up of stuff I don't need. I think this is very telling about this journey. That it's not just about weight loss it's about figuring out what I can get rid of to live a life of intention. So Cara and I talked and on Sunday when I check out I am going to see what that number is and then set a smart goal to reduce it by December. The number on the scale is not great but I am less worried about it, I want to be made of stuff that works instead of stuff that just hangs on and weighs me down.
After checking into my room, by the way I have the best room in the whole place it's the only one with a private deck and sits at the end of a row and is super quiet, I had a trainer walk me back here as well as one of Cara's friends who came to visit her who leads hikes. Cara's friend stayed for a bit and chatted and then as I unpacked Cara went through my schedule and gave me some tips on what to do and how to do it.
We then went to dinner and it was like any time you meet a room full of strangers. Mostly everyone was lovely. Because literally everyone here at this point is a stranger I am not going to talk about them in this blog, this week is about me and my journey, and there journey is for them to tell. Dinner was delish and totally filling and after dinner we all had to go around and say our name, where we are from and a goal this week other than weightloss.
Cara went first and talked about her journey and about how excited she is that I am here and how she hopes I will get out of this week what she did. It was in that moment when I realized that I am never not part of a community. I stood up and said, "Well Cara already introduced me, but I am Sarah and I live in Little Rock, Arkansas and I work as an Executive Director of a non-profit and my goal this week is to focus on me, in a good way. Then everyone went around and introduced themselves followed by orientation. Then I promptly went to the store and bought all the things they talked about in orientation because marketing always works on me!
As I lay here in my little cabin I am overwhelmed by the people who are rooting for me. The notes, emails, text messages, and facebook messages/posts. I have always been a public person when it comes to love and care of others, but rarely when it comes to loving and caring for myself. What I have already learned is that if you simply tell people that you are trying something and you are honest they will react in big and small ways that will make trying easier. These actions have given me more inspiration, strength, and encouragement than I could ever imagine.
Yesterday I said I would stand up and introduce myself as just me, but instead I was introduced by someone I love and respect. Today I was introduced as a friend a title that I take great pride in, and I am so lucky that part of this journey is learning that I have so many friends and I can grow and learn with you. Thank you Cara, and thank you to my overwhelmingly kind and loving community. I am blessed beyond measure.
Goodnight, tomorrow I start getting rid of the 52%!
Also I have no cell service here so if you need tor each me or feel like inspiring me please email or facebook message me.
Saturday, July 5, 2014
Independence Day
I got my drivers license July 3rd 1995, it was the second time I took the test, the first time I demolished the cones during the three point turn. I was 17 and had just graduated from High School. I remember being at the DMV with my mom and being nervous about messing up again. My mom told me to make sure that I turned the air up nice and high because it was at least 113 that day, that's what happens when you live in the middle of the desert 113 is normal. The woman called me up, I was so nervous, she asked me some questions and said she would meet me out front in five minutes. I went out to the car and turned the air up full blast. Five minutes later the woman was in my car, my hands were shaking and I was awkwardly overly polite calling her ma'am repeatedly, she said, "You are the first kid all day to cool down the car, just drive me around the block and we will get you a license." (This maybe why I have so many dings on my car, I never properly mastered the three point turn!) As we left the DMV my told me that July 3rd was my personal Independence Day, the day I got my freedom to roam.
I have spent the past three days with my dad in my hometown, my mom is visiting a friend, so my dad and I had some quality time together watching movies, cooking, and talking. It was the perfect way to get prepared for tomorrow, Day One. I am unsure how I got to be so lucky to have the amazing parents that I do. I try really hard not to take there love and zest for life for granted. I used to think that every dad knew every word to every song, that all parents sing harmony while leading a family sing along, and that every house had a costume closet, I learned later that there was something unique about Us and I was reminded of this again over the weekend.
Tonight I drove from my home town to Las Vegas where my sister lives. During the drive I sang loudly by myself and thought about what the next week is going to be like. I arrived at my sisters house two hours later and spent the evening with her and her husband. We went to dinner and talked, and then like my big sister has done my entire life she made sure I had everything I needed for my trip. As I write this she is doing my laundry and has already found a water bottle for me to pack and I am wearing her Pajamas because mine are in the wash.
I moved out of my parents house when I was 17, a month after I got my drivers license, and have not lived within ten hours of them for an extended period of time in the past twenty years. This is not because I don't love them and my sister deeply, I have just been pulled to other parts of the country. I have straddled this dependent/independent line for years, and not just with my family. I often find my identity in my work, my friends, and of course my family. It is hard for me to stand up and just be me, I am much more comfortable representing someone or something; I am good at being a daughter, a sister, an employee, a friend.
Tomorrow morning on July 6th I will get on a plane and fly to Burbank, where one of my best friends will pick me up and take me to Loser Camp. She and her sister traveled this journey two years ago (You should check our there blog Phat Chances) and part of the reason I chose this place at this time in my life is because of her. She will drive me to camp and give me the soft landing that I wished for. She has made arrangements to stay and eat dinner with me, and then she will go and I will have a brand new Independence Day.
Tomorrow I will stand up and say Hi, I am Sarah, there will be no qualifiers, no networks to share, no fillers, just me, and the thought of this is equally terrifying and liberating.
Tomorrow is day one, and I am ready.
I have spent the past three days with my dad in my hometown, my mom is visiting a friend, so my dad and I had some quality time together watching movies, cooking, and talking. It was the perfect way to get prepared for tomorrow, Day One. I am unsure how I got to be so lucky to have the amazing parents that I do. I try really hard not to take there love and zest for life for granted. I used to think that every dad knew every word to every song, that all parents sing harmony while leading a family sing along, and that every house had a costume closet, I learned later that there was something unique about Us and I was reminded of this again over the weekend.
Tonight I drove from my home town to Las Vegas where my sister lives. During the drive I sang loudly by myself and thought about what the next week is going to be like. I arrived at my sisters house two hours later and spent the evening with her and her husband. We went to dinner and talked, and then like my big sister has done my entire life she made sure I had everything I needed for my trip. As I write this she is doing my laundry and has already found a water bottle for me to pack and I am wearing her Pajamas because mine are in the wash.
I moved out of my parents house when I was 17, a month after I got my drivers license, and have not lived within ten hours of them for an extended period of time in the past twenty years. This is not because I don't love them and my sister deeply, I have just been pulled to other parts of the country. I have straddled this dependent/independent line for years, and not just with my family. I often find my identity in my work, my friends, and of course my family. It is hard for me to stand up and just be me, I am much more comfortable representing someone or something; I am good at being a daughter, a sister, an employee, a friend.
Tomorrow morning on July 6th I will get on a plane and fly to Burbank, where one of my best friends will pick me up and take me to Loser Camp. She and her sister traveled this journey two years ago (You should check our there blog Phat Chances) and part of the reason I chose this place at this time in my life is because of her. She will drive me to camp and give me the soft landing that I wished for. She has made arrangements to stay and eat dinner with me, and then she will go and I will have a brand new Independence Day.
Tomorrow I will stand up and say Hi, I am Sarah, there will be no qualifiers, no networks to share, no fillers, just me, and the thought of this is equally terrifying and liberating.
Tomorrow is day one, and I am ready.
Tuesday, July 1, 2014
Are you there God? It's me Anxiety
I don't remember a time that I was not anxious. When I was a little girl any disaster we prepared for in school became the thing that kept me up at night. During fire safety week I made my family sit down and create our fire safety plan. And while they were all relaxing after dinner watching TV, I would sneak into the hallway, stand on a chair and push the smoke detector button. They would pretend that they did not hear me drag the chair into the hall and would say things like "Oh No!" "Where is the smoke coming from?" And my sister would say, "Do we really have to do this?" I instantly became the family fire marshal and calmly yelled "Remember Our Safe Place!" which was the neighbor across the streets mailbox. Anytime I stayed the night at a friends house I would lay in my sleeping bag thinking about the closest emergency exit before drifting off to sleep.
This anxiety was not just held for potential disaster it was probably most apparent at school. When my sixth grade teacher told me that the Iowa State Basic Skills Tests would determine my academic future and the success of our school I. Believed. Every. Word. I would stay up all night fretting and crying that if I did not do well I would not go to college, I would let down my parents, my school, and even my country!
When I was in college I learned that this constant and irrational worry was called anxiety. After a little therapy I found that there were ways to make this feeling bearable. The thing is even with medication, therapy, and loving supportive friends and family; the tension, fear, and low grade nausea of anxiety is still there. Just less debilitating.
You would think someone who knows that they are anxious, that they are predestine to worry, would find a career that would be the least anxiety inducing as possible, Nope! I became a fundraiser, and though my job pretty much makes me have 24/7 low grade nausea it also is my number one source of pride and gives me more joy in the workplace than I could ever have dreamed. On hard days when I am looking for the proverbial "closest emergency exit" I know that my work matters to a community I love and that all of the work and worry are worth it.
So what does this have to do with going to Loser Camp? Well I will tell you. I have been experiencing low grade nausea for the past few days. I have been reading blogs, watching youtube videos, looking on google maps, and writing and rewriting my packing list over and over. I have this huge army of support that is behind me, old and new friends and my amazing family that are sending me notes, text messages, and calling me, and the support makes me feel amazing and lucky and blessed! I am surprised that I am not afraid to fail, I actually think I can do this. I want to do this, but still the small aching inside gnaws at my confidence and makes me think "Do I have the right socks?" "Will this bathing suit work for pool time?" "I hope there is someone there fatter than me." How awful is that?
So all I know to do to really curb this fear is to pray.
So tonight here is my prayer:
Heavenly Father free me from this fear.
Let my actions and my journey be an example of your love.
Please let me not worry about the small things so that I may focus on the big life changing things.
Please let me be kind and worry less about what I look like and take pride in how I feel.
Father please let the overwhelming love and kindness that my community is sending me fill my heart and dissipate my fears.
Father thank you for giving me the courage to want to be better and please stay close by me as I begin to learn how.
In Jesus name I pray, Amen
This anxiety was not just held for potential disaster it was probably most apparent at school. When my sixth grade teacher told me that the Iowa State Basic Skills Tests would determine my academic future and the success of our school I. Believed. Every. Word. I would stay up all night fretting and crying that if I did not do well I would not go to college, I would let down my parents, my school, and even my country!
When I was in college I learned that this constant and irrational worry was called anxiety. After a little therapy I found that there were ways to make this feeling bearable. The thing is even with medication, therapy, and loving supportive friends and family; the tension, fear, and low grade nausea of anxiety is still there. Just less debilitating.
You would think someone who knows that they are anxious, that they are predestine to worry, would find a career that would be the least anxiety inducing as possible, Nope! I became a fundraiser, and though my job pretty much makes me have 24/7 low grade nausea it also is my number one source of pride and gives me more joy in the workplace than I could ever have dreamed. On hard days when I am looking for the proverbial "closest emergency exit" I know that my work matters to a community I love and that all of the work and worry are worth it.
So what does this have to do with going to Loser Camp? Well I will tell you. I have been experiencing low grade nausea for the past few days. I have been reading blogs, watching youtube videos, looking on google maps, and writing and rewriting my packing list over and over. I have this huge army of support that is behind me, old and new friends and my amazing family that are sending me notes, text messages, and calling me, and the support makes me feel amazing and lucky and blessed! I am surprised that I am not afraid to fail, I actually think I can do this. I want to do this, but still the small aching inside gnaws at my confidence and makes me think "Do I have the right socks?" "Will this bathing suit work for pool time?" "I hope there is someone there fatter than me." How awful is that?
So all I know to do to really curb this fear is to pray.
So tonight here is my prayer:
Heavenly Father free me from this fear.
Let my actions and my journey be an example of your love.
Please let me not worry about the small things so that I may focus on the big life changing things.
Please let me be kind and worry less about what I look like and take pride in how I feel.
Father please let the overwhelming love and kindness that my community is sending me fill my heart and dissipate my fears.
Father thank you for giving me the courage to want to be better and please stay close by me as I begin to learn how.
In Jesus name I pray, Amen
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)