Snuggles, a Bear and Lesson on Loss

When I was little (4 or 5) I got a teddy bear from Grandma.  He was big, brown, and more fuzzy than fluffy. I promptly named him Snuggles. Snuggles is the first thing I remember being just mine, I did not have to share him with anyone and my little kid imagination truly believed that he loved me, just me. He quickly pushed my glowworm from the top of my favorite list and became the thing I treasured most. I took him everywhere! Snuggles traveled with me on vacations, went to sleepovers, and when we did fire safety in elementary school I determined that in case of a fire he was always the one thing I would save. I slept with him every night and as I grew up snuggles lived in my dorm room, my first apartment, and a series of shitty apartments throughout the Silicon Valley and Little Rock. He was my friend and confidant.

In 2006 I lost Snuggles, three days before Christmas. I was 29 and my apartment caught on fire. I was not home to save Snuggles. He was on my bed ready to be packed to go home with me for Christmas. When I received the phone call at work from a neighbor that my apartment was on fire, I ran to my car and remember saying all the way home, "Worst case scenario I loose everything" and when I arrived it was worst case scenario.

The next six hours were a blur of love, friendship, and family. That night I found myself in a hotel room with my mom and sister who had magically traveled to San Jose from Arizona and Las Vegas. I was wearing new pajamas that I my friends had just purchased that night along with a new  toothbrush, hairbrush, and socks because I owned nothing. I remember being in shock, shaking and uncontrollably crying, my mom gave me a benadryl to help me sleep.  The first thing I vividly remember that was not part of a hazy blur of time was waking up on the floor of the hotel crying and realizing that I had lost Snuggles, that he was gone forever. I lost almost all of my worldly possessions in that fire but the thing I mourned was the teddy bear my Grandma gave me when I was too little to know he was just a toy and not my best friend. I still mourn Snuggles.

I have been thinking about Snuggles a lot as I get ready to go to the Biggest Loser Resort. Snuggles would definitely be packed for this journey, after all he was my symbol of safety and comfort. My weight has also been my safety and comfort. A long time ago, around the time I got Snuggles, something happened to me and though I feel as if I am survivor and not victim of this incident, food has always comforted me from this pain and my weight has made me feel safe.

I know how to lose things. I have learned this through the fire, deaths of loves ones, and loss of friendships and love. Loss is never easy, though there is a freedom that comes from it. There is pain and hurt, but also love and learning. I am so scared to start this process. I am standing up and saying I want to lose. I want to give up the pain, comfort, safety, and control my body has provided me. I am not afraid to learn how eat new foods, but I am nervous about learning how to tone and stregnthen my body, mostly because I HATE being bad at things, and when you are learning you just aren't good yet.

Simply I am afraid of loosing everything. I am at a place where I can't imagine what I will look like without this comfort and safety around me.

I told my boss that I was going to Fat Camp, and he told me that I should not call it that, that I was going to a place to learn how to be healthy. I said, "Come on it's called Biggest Loser, I don't think Fat Camp is that big of a stretch." He said why don't you call it "Loser Camp" and you know what?  I think I will. Because that's what I am learning to do, I am learning how to totally lose it.  This learning started with a big fuzzy bear named Snuggles and now I have to do the rest of the work all by myself. I have to lose and in that loss I hope to find safety and comfort.

Snuggles a very good bear.