I was so excited at my first rehearsal. The high school teacher assigned each of the little kids with a high school mentor. I got a senior boy! He was tall and broad, a 17 years old mountain of man, and most importantly a MHS football player. Before he spoke I thought, "This may be the coolest moment of my life." Then he said, "Oh Great! I got the little fat girl." I was then promptly called to the stage to sing Food, Glorious Food with the other orphans (The irony of the moment was not lost on my elementary school self.) I didn't cry until I got home and then found myself a new mentor the next day, I may have been shy and chubby, but I was not going to put up with that guy's shit.
I have always had a struggle with food. I have used it as a way to comfort myself, it is something I can control when my life has felt uncontrollable. I have lived the Liz Lemon quote, "I need to talk to some food about this." on more days then I can remember. I am not a secret eater or someone who hordes food, but I depend on food and have become this kind of confident eater, a plus sized person who is not pretending to order a salad when she wants cheese dip and a burger.
The lie I have told myself is that I am in control. That proudly eating cheese dip or ordering whatever I want on the menu is a choice and not a statement of my body image. When in fact I am so out of control and out of sync with what my body wants/needs to be healthy. I am still that little girl standing on the stage pretending that what is happening around me does not hurt. So as I start this journey and I start tracking what goes in my mouth I am having to think: do I want this, need this, or if it's just a way for me to feel a little more in control.
I don't like this part. It's much easier to think I need to change my behavior because I have learned bad behavior, than to know I need to change my behavior because I have made choices about how I live my life. I did this, and undoing it is unraveling a whole mess of emotions, memories, and choices. So today I am choosing to be better, and it's hard, but I am going to keep trying.
One of the hardest things for me growing up was being the fat girl in drama class. I remember seeing other girls get the parts that I sang and acted better because they were skinny and popular.
ReplyDeleteWhen I didn't get into Fiddler on the Roof (the director was particularly cruel and didn't even let me into the ensemble) I consulted a giant chocolate eclair.
I have always struggled with emotional eating, still do, though now it's much easier to stop.
One of the challenges I faced after I lost a lot of weight was dealing with what it is like to be a 'pretty girl'. It comes with its own new set of challenges that are just as painful as the ones you get while you're the fat kid. I was even nervous coming back around your family after I lost weight because I was afraid I would be judged for being superficial... Lol.
Ultimately my journey taught me to give fuck-all what anyone else thinks and accept myself the way I am. I finally feel in control. And when I lose it, as I occasionally still do, I forgive myself.
I can't get over how brave you are, and how cool I think you are. Is there anything you can't do?