So Here We Go!

So growing up I loved to pretend that life was a musical, well I kinda still do, but I can distinctly remember sitting out in the field of my elementary school day-dreaming about my classmates bursting into song and dance. In all of my musical stories and day dreams I was never the lead. I was always the funny-sassy-best friend. The girl that could not be bothered with the main story line. I was the girl that had a sarcastic glance, a quick witted comment, and only had attention when she wanted it. I was happy to be in the background of someone else's story. 

When I watched Disney movies I never day dreamed that little birds would clean my kitchen (though as an adult that sounds awesome!) or mice would make me a dress for the ball, I was never that girl. I would rather be Stephanie Zinone in Grease 2, the kick-ass girl who is different from her friends and owns it, or Ramona Quimby who was a little bit of a trouble maker, a 3rd grade rebel. It was always more important for me to be interesting than to be pretty.

Maybe that's why I am 36 and half and single, maybe there is a lot more to the story. But here is what I am willing to tell you today: I am starting a journey. I have decided to be the lead character of my life. I don't think I will ever be the girl that dreams of being a princess, but I think I can harness my inner Stephanie Zinone and Ramona Quimby and make 36 and half interesting. A middle aged leading lady.

I have put a stake in the ground. I have told the random strangers that will read this as well as my family and friends that I want more. I am prioritizing myself. As a life long chubby girl I am saying publicly that I am going to try to change my life. This is very scary! Because as the girl in the background no one really cares if you succeed, but if you are the leading lady your success and failure are the story. So Here I go. I am going to be the story and I promise success, failure, and an interesting? ever after.

Snuggles, a Bear and Lesson on Loss

When I was little (4 or 5) I got a teddy bear from Grandma.  He was big, brown, and more fuzzy than fluffy. I promptly named him Snuggles. Snuggles is the first thing I remember being just mine, I did not have to share him with anyone and my little kid imagination truly believed that he loved me, just me. He quickly pushed my glowworm from the top of my favorite list and became the thing I treasured most. I took him everywhere! Snuggles traveled with me on vacations, went to sleepovers, and when we did fire safety in elementary school I determined that in case of a fire he was always the one thing I would save. I slept with him every night and as I grew up snuggles lived in my dorm room, my first apartment, and a series of shitty apartments throughout the Silicon Valley and Little Rock. He was my friend and confidant.

In 2006 I lost Snuggles, three days before Christmas. I was 29 and my apartment caught on fire. I was not home to save Snuggles. He was on my bed ready to be packed to go home with me for Christmas. When I received the phone call at work from a neighbor that my apartment was on fire, I ran to my car and remember saying all the way home, "Worst case scenario I loose everything" and when I arrived it was worst case scenario.

The next six hours were a blur of love, friendship, and family. That night I found myself in a hotel room with my mom and sister who had magically traveled to San Jose from Arizona and Las Vegas. I was wearing new pajamas that I my friends had just purchased that night along with a new  toothbrush, hairbrush, and socks because I owned nothing. I remember being in shock, shaking and uncontrollably crying, my mom gave me a benadryl to help me sleep.  The first thing I vividly remember that was not part of a hazy blur of time was waking up on the floor of the hotel crying and realizing that I had lost Snuggles, that he was gone forever. I lost almost all of my worldly possessions in that fire but the thing I mourned was the teddy bear my Grandma gave me when I was too little to know he was just a toy and not my best friend. I still mourn Snuggles.

I have been thinking about Snuggles a lot as I get ready to go to the Biggest Loser Resort. Snuggles would definitely be packed for this journey, after all he was my symbol of safety and comfort. My weight has also been my safety and comfort. A long time ago, around the time I got Snuggles, something happened to me and though I feel as if I am survivor and not victim of this incident, food has always comforted me from this pain and my weight has made me feel safe.

I know how to lose things. I have learned this through the fire, deaths of loves ones, and loss of friendships and love. Loss is never easy, though there is a freedom that comes from it. There is pain and hurt, but also love and learning. I am so scared to start this process. I am standing up and saying I want to lose. I want to give up the pain, comfort, safety, and control my body has provided me. I am not afraid to learn how eat new foods, but I am nervous about learning how to tone and stregnthen my body, mostly because I HATE being bad at things, and when you are learning you just aren't good yet.

Simply I am afraid of loosing everything. I am at a place where I can't imagine what I will look like without this comfort and safety around me.

I told my boss that I was going to Fat Camp, and he told me that I should not call it that, that I was going to a place to learn how to be healthy. I said, "Come on it's called Biggest Loser, I don't think Fat Camp is that big of a stretch." He said why don't you call it "Loser Camp" and you know what?  I think I will. Because that's what I am learning to do, I am learning how to totally lose it.  This learning started with a big fuzzy bear named Snuggles and now I have to do the rest of the work all by myself. I have to lose and in that loss I hope to find safety and comfort.

Snuggles a very good bear.

Crazy Loud Messy Life

I fundamentally believe in community.  Growing up in my house was like living in a community center. It was not until recently my parents had a key to their front door. We had an open house policy and I would often wake up to find a friend or relative sleeping on our sofa. Our house was the house that people went to, the rules were simple: be kind and try not to break anything. My mom would make sure we always had enough food and soda for the gaggle of teenagers that were traipsing in and out of the door, and my dad always had a joke and sarcastic comment.

As an adult I have created this life every place I have lived. When I lived in San Jose I had this quirky little "family", that was like living in "Reality Bites" but with smart young idealists, who smoked less pot and drank more cheap gin. We slept on thrift store sofas and played charades with made up rules. We talked about changing the world and everything we did had intention (or so we hoped). Eventually this "family" broke up, because when you are in your early twenties you move, and couples break up, and life gets bigger, and you find a new "family".

And now I have these pockets of people all over the country. This network of kind, loving, silly, smart, weird people who love me. Who want me to be well. I have a group right here in Little Rock who provide me with everything from encouragement to a kick in the ass when I need it. And I am really good at staying connected, and I am really bad at telling the whole story.

As much as I love a loud messy interdependent life I still fear what people will say. And though I have not made this blog and my journey to a healthier me "Facebook Official".  I have already heard things from people that were meant to be encouraging, but sound like judgement. That's what you get when you live in community. You get love, and you get kindness, and you get the best belly laughs, you get inside jokes, and life long friendships and you get opinions, for better or worse.

So I am going to remember that as much as I crave health, I crave having a crazy-loud-messy-life. And that is not going to be easy, but I think it's going to make this journey a lot more fun. So please, don't keep your opinions to yourself, I am choosing messy. 

Food, Glorious Food!

When I was in the 4th or 5th grade I was an orphan in my town's High School production of Oliver. I was a shy chubby little girl with a Dorthy Hamill haircut,  and I was confident that this was my first step to Broadway. I have always been a pretty good singer and a pretty awful actor, but my little voice got me the BIG PART of Orphan number 12, my one line "Hot sausage and mustard!"

I was so excited at my first rehearsal. The high school teacher assigned each of the little kids with a high school mentor. I got a senior boy! He was tall and broad, a 17 years old mountain of man, and most importantly a MHS football player.  Before he spoke I thought, "This may be the coolest moment of my life." Then he said, "Oh Great! I got the little fat girl." I was then promptly called to the stage to sing Food, Glorious Food with the other orphans (The irony of the moment was not lost on my elementary school self.) I didn't cry until I got home and then found myself a new mentor the next day, I may have been shy and chubby, but I was not going to put up with that guy's shit.

I have always had a struggle with food. I have used it as a way to comfort myself, it is something I can control when my life has felt uncontrollable.  I have lived the Liz Lemon quote, "I need to talk to some food about this." on more days then I can remember.  I am not a secret eater or someone who hordes food, but I depend on food and have become this kind of confident eater, a plus sized person who is not pretending to order a salad when she wants cheese dip and a burger.

The lie I have told myself is that I am in control. That proudly eating cheese dip or ordering whatever I want on the menu is a choice and not a statement of my body image. When in fact I am so out of control and out of sync with what my body wants/needs to be healthy. I am still that little girl standing on the stage pretending that what is happening around me does not hurt. So as I start this journey and I start tracking what goes in my mouth I am having to think: do I want this, need this, or if it's just a way for me to feel a little more in control.

I don't like this part. It's much easier to think I need to change my behavior because I have learned bad behavior, than to know I need to change my behavior because I have made choices about how I live my life.  I did this, and undoing it is unraveling a whole mess of emotions, memories, and choices. So today I am choosing to be better, and it's hard, but I am going to keep trying.