For No Reason at All

I can remember being a little girl lying in my bed trying to go to sleep, and I would be struck with crippling anxiety. I would get out of bed in the middle of the night, or maybe 10pm, and go out into the living room where my mom was watching Johnny Carson and cry. I would not know why I was crying. But I can remember sitting on the couch cuddled up to my mom and just spilling my soul. She would rub my head and tell me it was going to be okay, and just as I would calm down another wave of fear and anxiety would break and I would be weeping, releasing all the struggles and fears of a 4th grader. The next day I would have a kind of emotional hang over and I would usually stay home from school thinking and watching Little House on the Prairie.

Last night I was up 'til 3am with a similar feeling. No tears, no mom to make it better, jut a thousand thoughts I could not turn off: Am I doing all I can to better myself? Does he think of me as much as I think of him? Do they like me? Why have I not gone to church in four months? I should get up and clean the kitchen. Is it snowing? Should I live this far away from my family? and just as I would try to answer one of these questions the next one would bubble up and I was paralyzed lying there. I eventually went to sleep and when I woke up this morning I had a bit of an emotional hang over, though I worked today instead of watching Little House on the Prairie.

Tonight I was cleaning the kitchen and listening to music and I heard this song and it opened me up, the way music does. And it made me remember that I am trying, and trying is hard. It made me realize that being open to love, and change, and more than what you have now, is brave and can be crippling. But I stood in my kitchen sang this song as if I were the lead in my own Broadway musical and cried. I cried because I ate two english muffins with butter for dinner. I cried because I push when all I want is to pull people closer. I cried because some day Polly is going to die. I just cried.

And I am here again. Spilling my guts to family, friends, and strangers. I want more of this life and I want to try harder, to be braver, to live bigger, and to love with all I am. So I need goals, because as Pam Gerber taught me "Systems Will Set You Free". I need routine and goals, I also need to write this blog. I need to release. And sometimes I just need to cry.