It has been a long time since I was the new person. So long that I forgot how hard it is to grow. Growing is just painful. Remember when you were in the third grade and you would get a horrible ache in your leg bones? Your a healthy eight year old and then out of nowhere your bone would hurt! And your parents would say, "oh, growing pains" in a passive way that made you feel that your pain was not supposed to hurt and was actually common.
I remember, I would be left trying to understand HOW without injury, or even a band-aid, did I have pain in my bone?
Or was that just my parents?
Either way it was a good lesson: change is going to hurt and you are going to have to live through it. And by live through it I mean you are going to have to act like it's completely normal, and nobody else will really understand and may not even notice. And still, it will really hurt.
It does not always hurt physically, sometimes it hurts your heart, or your pride, or your feelings. And sometimes it hurts all of those things at once. Sometimes you are taken over by the pain of a situation or moment, and the world looks at you and says, "oh, growing pains"
I had growing pains this week. I stood in front of my boss, and my bosses boss and, OUCH! I was full of pain. I found myself pushing through and trying to come out the other side without crying. It has been years since I worked that hard and was that bad at something. The meeting ended and I walked back to my desk, breathing and walking, focused on each step.
From the meeting room door closing to me sitting at my desk something had happened. To my surprise I was not lost in disappointment. I was not beating myself up. Minutes after the meeting I was not worried about how to fix the situation. I sat at my desk as tears filled my eyes and maybe for the first time I realized, "oh, growing pains"
And then this piece of me opened. A piece that was reminded that being new is hard, and is important. This piece of me remembered that learning is more than just knowing the right answers. Not knowing the answers is actually liberating. For so long I felt I had to have all the answers, and now I get to participate.
Participating is where all the magic of creating happens, and I am not great at it yet. But the best part of participating is it is not lonely. Leading can be so lonely that the growing pains don't help you grow, they just hurt. Being able to lead people you care about is wonderful, and lonely, and can hurt in a way that hinders your growth.
So I am here for the learning. I am here for the creating. I am here for the growing. I am here for pain that comes on quick and changes you once it's gone. These growing pains are going to hurt and make me stronger (not all pain does that).
I am going to fully participate in being new.