The day I turned thirty I was sitting on the floor of SFO, headed to Chicago for my annual Birthday trip to see Kristie and all of my "Once a year friends", crying. I had lost all of my worldly possessions in a fire just a little under a year ago. I had been kinda sort of fired from my job. And I had just got off the phone to find out I did not get another job that I had been a finalist for. I boarded a plane, went to Chicago and was whisked away into a trip of kindness, theater, singing, and laughter through tears.
This morning I woke up in a messy house, warm and snuggled next to two dog and the man of my dreams (honestly he is the man that I could not even dream because I didn't know that this much goodness existed in a person or that I could be loved like this.) I have a job that I love! I still have my once a year friends, who are actually Kristie's friends who are in Chicago and scattered other places, and I still sing and laugh through tears with Kristie.
When I turned thirty I was terrified of what my life would be. What job would I have? Will I get married? Will I have kids? I had plans, things I needed to accomplish in my thirties. I needed to become something, be something, do something. And the journey through this idea of what I should be was long and I was able to learn SO MUCH.
I eventually stopped crying on my thirtieth birthday. I got off the floor and got on a plane and flew to Chicago and at some point that weekend I decided that I was going to be BRAVE and BOLD. I did not know what that looked like but it was the motto of my thirties. I would often ask myself, "Is this decision Brave and Bold?" That is who I wanted to be in the world. This led to moving back to Arkansas, applying to my dream job, going to fat camp, meeting a boy that I had only talked to on the phone, and doing countless little things that made me nervous but eventually became part of who I am.
My Thirties were an adventure! I learned what my voice sounded like and how to hear it in all of the chatter. I went to a lot of therapy. I had two executive coaches. More people said yes than they said no. I made myself uncomfortable because that is where I grow. I fell in love. I lost people and dogs that I loved dearly. I took myself less seriously. I didn't have a baby. I watched my sister find happiness. I found people that are more than friends and I held on to them with all of the love I have in my heart. I was baptized in a church where I can be me and love the Lord and social justice and swear. I learned that nobody cares for you as much as you do. I paid all of the money and saw the original cast of Hamilton. I learned how to ask for what I needed.
And today I am 40. I don't know what the next 10 years have in store for me. I do know that I am less afraid then I was 10 years ago. I have a new adventure in front of me today. A new decade to fill with love, mistakes, learning and trying to do better than I have done. I am so blessed to live this life, and I want to honor all of those blessings. My deepest desire is to fill my life with laughter, kindness, and do everything I can to make a difference. I want to grow more, listen more, and say yes more than I say no to myself and to those around me.
So this is 40, and it's better, and I am better, and today that is enough.