So this is 40.

The day I turned thirty I was sitting on the floor of SFO, headed to Chicago for my annual Birthday trip to see Kristie and all of my "Once a year friends", crying. I had lost all of my worldly possessions in a fire just a little under a year ago. I had been kinda sort of fired from my job.  And  I  had just got off the phone to find out I did not get another job that I had been a finalist for. I boarded a plane, went to Chicago and was whisked away into a trip of kindness, theater, singing, and laughter through tears.

This morning I woke up in a messy house, warm and snuggled next to two dog and the man of my dreams (honestly he is the man that I could not even dream because I didn't know that this much goodness existed in a person or that I could be loved like this.) I have a job that I love! I still have my once a year friends, who are actually Kristie's friends who are in Chicago and scattered other places, and I still sing and laugh through tears with Kristie.

When I turned thirty I was terrified of what my life would be. What job would I have? Will I get married? Will I have kids? I had plans, things I needed to accomplish in my thirties. I needed to become something, be something, do something. And the journey through this idea of what I should be was long and I was able to learn SO MUCH.

I eventually stopped crying on my thirtieth birthday. I got off the floor and got on a plane and flew to Chicago and at some point that weekend I decided that I was going to be BRAVE and BOLD. I did not know what that looked like but it was the motto of my thirties. I would often ask myself, "Is this decision Brave and Bold?" That is who I wanted to be in the world. This led to moving back to Arkansas, applying to my dream job, going to fat camp, meeting a boy that I had only talked to on the phone, and doing countless little things that made me nervous but eventually became part of who I am.

My Thirties were an adventure! I learned what my voice sounded like and how to hear it in all of the chatter. I went to a lot of therapy. I had two executive coaches. More people said yes than they said no. I made myself uncomfortable because that is where I grow. I fell in love. I lost people and dogs that I loved dearly. I took myself less seriously. I didn't have a baby. I watched my sister find happiness. I found people that are more than friends and I held on to them with all of the love I have in my heart. I was baptized in a church where I can be me and love the Lord and social justice and swear. I learned that nobody cares for you as much as you do. I paid all of the money and saw the original cast of Hamilton. I learned how to ask for what I needed.

And today I am 40. I don't know what the next 10 years have in store for me. I do know that I am less afraid then I was 10 years ago. I have a new adventure in front of me today. A new decade to fill with love, mistakes, learning and trying to do better than I have done. I am so blessed to live this life, and I want to honor all of those blessings. My deepest desire is to fill my life with laughter, kindness, and do everything I can to make a difference. I want to grow more, listen more, and say yes more than I say no to myself and to those around me.

So this is 40, and it's better, and I am better, and today that is enough.

Sometimes I get sad.

Mostly I live in a world that is unbelievable. I have these friends that are kind and smart and beautiful beyond measure. I am loved and liked. People care about me. And sometimes I get sad.

It's hard to describe this intermittent sadness and even harder to say, "I suffer from depression." When you tell people you feel sad they often come at you with phrases like, "It will all be okay" "Don't be sad" "Think of all you have to be happy about" "This will pass".  And they mean well because they love you and they don't want you to feel this way.

But sometimes that sadness sits with you. You think of happy things. You cry.  And if you are lucky you know eventually it will go away. Today though, it just rests in your heart. Right now it is resting in mine.

I have made the commitment to live my life with people. To share my thoughts, my stories, my emotions with others. Though I know it's a choice, it doesn't always feel great. It seems the older I get the riskier it gets. As I sit here thinking about sharing my story I am going through a list of people who could be reading this. And as much as I want to normalize mental health it is scary to say out loud, that sometimes my emotions are bigger than I can manage.

I am nervous about putting these words on this page, It's easy for me to diminish my emotion by comparing it the tragedy and struggle of others. I have so many privileges and my sadness does not seem equitable to the amount of privilege I am granted. Earlier this month I heard a lecture from the social justice warrior Bryan Stevenson who said:

“Sometimes we’re fractured by the choices we make; sometimes we’re shattered by things we would never have chosen. But our brokenness is also the source of our common humanity, the basis for our shared search for comfort, meaning, and healing. Our shared vulnerability and imperfection nurtures and sustains our capacity for compassion.” 


I want to sustain my capacity for compassion. So tonight, a random Saturday in July, I share with you that sometimes I get sad. Sometimes I get so sad that my belly hurts and tears fall from my eyes and I can not move off the couch to do the dishes. Sometimes I think about how my life would be different if when I was 4 years old someone didn't hurt me. Sometimes I fall into the arms of my significant other and let him hold me and remind me to breath until I can see clearly again.

I want to be strong, brave, and full of compassion. I want to see people, hear their stories, and be part of the system that makes change. I want this overwhelming sadness to turn into relentless energy that allows me to be part of the solution. I suffer from depression.

"our brokenness is also the source of our common humanity, the basis for our shared search for comfort, meaning, and healing."