Have you ever had your world fall apart around you, not slowly, but all at once? This is what happened the last three months. There were great big things and lots of little things and in the midst of it I learned forgiveness.
Two months ago I was sitting in the second balcony of the Richard Rogers Theater in New York City watching Hamilton. I was sitting next to a girl who had driven down from Boston that morning and a brother and sister who had just bought tickets outside on the street, we were all drunk with the excitement and wonder of what we were about to see. I was at Hamilton because my best friend's passion for making theater was reignited by the magic that is Hamilton, and because I had a new credit card. During that Saturday matinee she found inspiration and I found peace.
I had recently lost someone, as I sat mouth agape in row FF seat 27, I tried to push down that loss and be in moment of this beautiful piece of art. I was in the city with my best friend from city year and my best friend from childhood and my heart was open, but I did not know what healing would come when Renee Elise Goldsberry sang as Angelica. "There are moments that the words don't reach there's a suffering to terrible to name...the moments you're in so deep it's easier to just swim down" As those words filled my ears my heart started to heal and I wept. I grabbed the girls hand next to me, who I did not know, and I cried for my loss and began to forgive God for making me feel so deeply sad.
I would love to end this blog post there. This moment in the theater with strangers and art and beauty, but that's not how life works. I got home and as I was starting to heal from this big hurt chaos took hold of my world. I found myself in the middle of survival. The "what" of what was happening is not important, and honestly the "who" of who it was happening to is not important. The important part is the how we all loved each other. In the past three months I have seen love manifest in midnight giggles, casseroles, late night board games, boxes of wine, tears, cuddles, and binge watching Fuller House.
I learned how to ask for help when I really needed it. I learned to stand up and say, "What I am feeling is important" I learned to say, "It hurt me when..." I learned to say, "I can not do this now." And in all of this bravery and mess of a life I saw forgiveness. Forgiveness of self, forgiveness of God, and forgiveness when it was asked for and when it wasn't.
"There are moments that words don't reach, there is a grace to powerful to name. We push away what we can never understand, we push away the unimaginable. Forgiveness can you imagine...Forgiveness." As I sat and listened to Renee sing these words it felt like worship. I could feel the Lord's presence. Forgiveness, can you imagine?
When I read that playbill as I was falling asleep that night I saw the last line of Renee's bio, " Renee gives all glory to God" I hope that she knows that I found God's Glory and his forgiveness in her voice.