I am overwhelmed by the number of people who care about me. This past year I have spilled my guts, my heart, my life, and my insecurites on this blog. And people have responded in huge, small, loving, kind, thoughtful ways. I am not half the person I was a year ago, which is what I thought I would be. I wanted to be thinner, have less mass, and I thought if I worked hard and wanted it enough it would just happen. It does not just happen.
It would be so nice if it just happened!
What has happened is I have lost a little weight in the past year. I have gone down a dress size and have gotten rid of all of the clothes that I did not feel good in. I have cleaned out every closet in my house. I have learned to say no to people, things, and decisions that are not good for me. I have been mindful about what I keep in my life and why.
But what I am most proud of is what I have gained this year.
This year I have learned how it feels to push your body to a place where your muscles shake and your mind says you can't go on, but your will to be better pushes you to actually be better.
I have closed my eyes out of fear but moved my fingers over this keyboard and surprisingly have been welcomed by this community who reads my words and helps me heal and grow.
I have started the process of learning what food does to my body and how I can use it as a tool and a treat, and how its power is not something that controls me but something that I control. (This is hard every day.)
I have gained back weight that I have lost and learned and tried to lose it again. I know now that this process is not failure it is growth. I am never going to be done getting healthy. I am never going on a diet or going off a diet. I am going to try to feed myself food that makes me healthier and stronger and I am not going to beat myself up when I choose a cake pop over a carrot. I am just going to try really hard to choose more carrots.
This is where I am, in the middle. I imagine I will be in the middle for a long time. I have a few goals for this year that I would like to share and hope you will help keep me accountable.
1. I will workout with my trainer 4 times a month and hope to increase my strength and decrease my body fat percentage. I also hope by the end of the year I want to go to the gym and it's not an obligation.
2. I will meal plan! I will meal plan! I will meal plan! I need help with this people. I love to cook, I love to eat. THIS SHOULD NOT BE HARD.
3. I will blog weekly. I need help with this too. I am my best self when I am sharing this journey with others, and I have to make time to do that!
I have some other goals that I am just not ready to share yet, but they are there and I am certain they will pop up.
This is not going to just happen, but it is going to happen and I am just going to try really hard. Thank you for letting me get stronger with you.