We all had that person, that person that ruined us for all other people. The first person you gave your heart to regardless if they gave their heart back to you, it was still YOUR first. I don't often think about the first boy I loved anymore. When I do I have a flood of memories that range from wistful teenage giggles to full and utter humiliation. I think the first time you clumsily give someone your heart you are your most vulnerable self. I pined for years over this silly boy and even today I am still a little ruined by him.
I could not tell him that I loved him. I wrote him a note and made him a horrible mixed tape. I knew it was an awkward situation for him so to make it easier I included a Hersey's candy bar, plain classic chocolate . I drove to his parents house over summer break from college and I put the note, tape, and candy bar on his car and drove away. I guess my most vulnerable self just knew that he did not love me and I went home and listened to Ani Difranco, as most girls my age did in such situations.
Though we have been friends for many years, we never talked about the note, tape, and candy bar.
I never realized how vulnerable I would feel writing this blog. I thought I would put my words out there along with my emotions and a few people would read it. I never thought that those people would encompass every part of my life. I am really good at taking care of people, knowing what they need to be successful. I love with a big heart but I don't always know how to be loved back.
When I was little and learning to be loved, before there were crushes on silly boys before I knew what that felt like, I was hurt by an adult that was supposed to love me. I have worked for years to feel that hurt. To understand it. To grow through it. But when you are hurt when you are so little, letting people love you back is hard.
As I have been making changes in my life I have been remembering more and more of that pain, that sorrow, that fear. I have prayed and talked to friends who in turn have prayed, and the answer is: no one has to hurt alone. When I made the decision to go on this journey I never thought I would be this open. I guess as I loose myself I am gaining courage. The physical and emotional are so connected and I am trying to gain and loose and love, but it's not easy.
I started this blog so that I could be held accountable and in the past two months I have been stopped by countless friends who have read my words and loved me enough to ask how are you? I am sorry that lately I have lied to most of you. Here is the truth: This is really hard. I might fail. I am not always doing my best. But I am trying really hard and I want to make this change.
So tonight I don't have a mixed tape or a candy bar, but I am going to give my heart, and learn to loose and gain and go back to being vulnerable. I ask that in return you hold me accountable and stay with me as I heal.